Running on Batteries

And so the surgery went without a hitch, other than a brief couple of minutes when i woke up in the middle of surgery and hearing the surgeons talking and the beeping of machines that i am wired to. Well, that freaked me out quite a bit, and i burst into tears! Pretty embaressing, thinking about it now, but i was promptly knocked out again with more Propofol because of my distress.

Anyway, since i have been fitted with the device, life seems to be a little better, a little rosier. I could drink a bit more water without gagging and feeling nasaues, I could walk a little bit more before needing to sit down and rest, i could do a bit more packing and unpacking without breaking out into a major sweating. Essentially, I am feeling less of an 80 year old. Maybe a 70 year old. There are still limitations. I still break out into major sweating and become breathless when i am low on sugar. I still cannot carry a conversation while walking uphill. I turn blue, apparently. Its definitely not Energizer batteries that i am fitted with. I don't feel like a bunny at all!

Anyway, the true verdict will come in April when i will go for another ECG to determine if I am responding to the device.

And so fingers crossed, hope and pray that this will work. I don't wish to join the queue for the broken-hearted waiting and praying for a healthy heart in a broken body to come their way.

Did i mention that i am getting new titanium implants?

Ok, so i didn't get the implants in October 2011. By some strange twist of events, the operation was cancelled, and because my holiday schedule clashes with the surgeon's busy year end calendar, the surgery was postponed to.....gasp! 05 Jan 2012!! Glad i didn't suffer a "sudden cardiac death" while waiting...

It was nerve racking, initially. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to go ahead with the crazy holiday plans that we made months ago before i was aware of my situation. We were heading to Taiwan for 10 days in November and Hong kong for 4 days in December, and there were two staycations in between. I would suffer major losses if i were to cancel these trips. Too late to cancel. I wasn't too sure if i wanted to be caught in a situation either while in a foreign land. With the issue of breathlessness, i wasn't too sure if it will be safe to fly. What happens if i collapse? Will i be saved in time? So many questions, so many fears!!

With the doctor's name card, medication, a printout of my medical history in my bag, and faith in God, we decided to packed our bags and go ahead with our vacation plans.

I guess the mind is the strangest of all things. And of course, the power of prayers. I made it through these trips and back, and feeling better than ever. Perhaps its the worry free days of reckless shopping, dining, sight seeing and great company...Perhaps I am away from the stress of our daily routine, the renovation problems ... Or perhaps, its just not my time yet.

I am glad we went ahead with the plans despite the risk, and i could gladly say that the days spent on vacation will be cherished memories.

And so, tomorrow will marked another new chapter in my life...living with a defillabrator with the hope of buying some more time. Hope its a worthwhile purchase!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Hope it has been a good start to 2012. It has been for me. I am still feeling the adrenaline rush :)

Revisiting - Going for New Implants

Its been a while since i visited or made an entry here. There were attempts to do so during the past one year to sit down and pen my thoughts. But words do not flow too easily these days. Guess i have been bitten by the Writer's Block.

The last few months had been really really crazy. We finally ... after a long delay of 1 year and a massive massive clean-up, got started on the renovation works at my mum's place. Yes, it is way overdued, and through the tears, angry words and drama, the place is finally ready to be renovated. It is no easy task getting there, with almost 20 years worth of stuff, clothing, junk and what mum calls treasures and memories. Mum is a hoarder, and that explains the drama that have been going on for the past couple of months.

Through it all, we did find a stack of letters that Dad wrote to her when he was working overseas, while Mum, as a new mother, stayed on in Singapore. Those letters, yellowed with age, and somewhat brittle, brought back a flood of memories as Mum reads them over again. She found comfort and solace reading them as she felt Dad's concern and love through the words he penned so many years ago.

I found many letters and cards from my dear friends who would drop me a letter periodically during those days they were overseas. I used to look forward to receving their letters, and enjoyed reading about their days in the university and what they have been up to. I guess in this day of electronic age, hardly anyone writes a letter or sends a card. Nothing beats the feeling of holding those hand-written letters in pretty stationery, and the anticipation and delight of receiving them in the postbox. And its also a good excuse to stock up on all those pretty paper and envelopes and stickers.

Health wise, i am not sure if i am doing too well. About 2 months back (August), i had some episodes of breathlessness, and while sleeping, i vividly remembered being out of breath and gasping for air. It felt like a nightmare, but i awoke still feeling breathless and perspiring.
I brought up this issue to the Docs in NUH whom i am under their care. Foreign talent doctor listened intently and increased my dosage for some medicine. Check my blood pressure, gave me new prescriptions, and bid me goodbye - we will see you in 6 months time.

The breathlessness didn't go away. I still have those bad dreams and waking up gasping for air.
And so, i decided to listen to that little voice in my head, and made an appointment to see another Doc at the National Heart Centre. I cannot wait another 6 months, can i afford to? And the little voice in my head has proved itself right again. Things are not looking too good. The echo done last year has a EF reading of 38% (moderate), but its condition has decline to 29%. A normal person has a EF reading of 40-50%. In Doc's words, i am at risk for "sudden cardiac death". er....i wasn't really expecting that. I didn't even come prepared with the extra pair of ears (my hubby) to listen to him say that. And so , i receive the news ... alone...

I was pretty calm, and there were no tears. It was like deva ju yet again. The Doc was kind, and his tone was calm, when he delivered the verdict, but I guess whichever way he delivers the news, bad news is still bad news.

And so, the Docs have recommended that that I get an ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator) implantation. Its a small device, the size of a pager with wires threaded through the veins into the heart. It will help stimulate the heart to restore a normal rhythm, and will give an electric shock to reset the heartbeat if the heart stops beating. macham like battery.

I will be going for the procedure next week. I have been waiting anxiously for the past 2 weeks. I was so afriaid that something will happen before i could go for the procedure. It will be very "sway" if it did. And so i have been trying to be very very calm. Didn't let the little things ruffle my feathers.

So now, praying that the procedure will be successful. Pray i don't get a heart attack while on the opearting table (10%) and that the doc can find the vital veins to hook up the wires (some 5% folks do not have that vein, according to docs. i hope i am not one of them)

And so, i will be out of action at Little Gems for a while, while i get my new implants....a battery operated heart (?)

PS. If you are a family friend or relative reading this blog, please do not ask my mum about my condition. My exact condition has been sugar-coated, so she does not know the full extent.

Moving On

I should have written about this earlier. The results for the androgram is that there isn't any blockages in the heart. (yay!) And so, they were spot on what they had anticipated about my condition. The cardiologist prescribed some medication that is suppose to slow down the pulse rate, and which will improve my heart's condition. So yes, more pills added to my pill box. Wish they have some nice fancy pillbox to make my day. i am currently using the Daiso ones. Functional and cheap. But i think i deserve something fancier...haha...and so, one more reason to go shopping.

And oh, i found this while surfing, and thought this is just so meaningful

The Cross

The young man was at the end of the rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees and prayed.

"Lord, I can't go on," he prayed. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "Son, If you can't bear its weight, just place your cross in this room. Then, go to the other room, and pick up any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible.

Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more blessed than you imagine

************** Author unknown ************

Kampate!

You know how sometimes I get so caught up with the hustle and bustle of daily life that I do forget that I have health issues. I have been well, thank you very much, and am enjoying my life, mundane as it may be. Well, tomorrow, i will be reminded yet again why i have so much to be thankful for.

I am due for my half-yearly scans tomorrow. Yes, I will arrive at the hospital early in the morning to have my blood drawn, radioactive isotope injected into me, and bladder filled up with some strange tasting liquid disguised as orange juice which will light up any lurking cancer cells in my abdomen.

Plug all set, Ready for the long day

LooK, i am Radioactive! Neon bracelet to warn people to stay away!

Outdated magazine that kept me entertained

The yucky drink that they made me drink. Bad aftertaste!

Despite having done these scans countless times, it just doesn't get any easier each time. I still get apprehensive when nurses couldn't find my veins to draw copious amount of blood for testing. I still close my eyes each time they pierced the needles through my skin. And lying there on the cold steel bed with the scanner machine just inches away from my face, i feel clastraphobic, and my heart beats a little faster each time, and i just want to scream, "get me out of here!". When more angles are required for certain region of my body, i get worried, despite the nurses reassuring me that they just want a better look. A better look at what? Did you see something that is not suppose to be there? At the end of the scans, i avoid looking at the nurses' eyes. While thay are cold and mechanical most of the time, I fear looking into their eyes and seeing the look of pity at having found something that will cripple my chances of surviving another month, another year.

Tomorrow will be a day that will serve as a reminder on the fragility of my life, and the many aspects of my life i should be thankful for.

ok, going to bed now. Its going to be a long long day tomorrow, and I am doing it alone ... should be ok. Been there, done that! Kampate!

Toxic

Haha, ok, feeling a little corny.

Due for scans tomorrow. Same drill, the docs gonna pump into me isotopes for the bone scan, so toxic, that theres designated toilets for you to release your bladder. So toxic, pregnant nurses avoid you like plagues. I am gonna be made to drink this icky yellow coloured liquid that taste like mama lemon washing detergent, just so that my insides would light up like christmas lights if there is any cancer activity going on in my abdominal cavity.

Couldn't help but feel that Good ol' Britney Spears is serenading to me.

Oh well, life is such....

Taking it Lying Down

Just back from treatment today. Its been a long day, literally, just waiting for my turn. I can't imagine the number of people who need to turn up for treatment today. Its terrible, isn't it? I don't mean the crowd, but rather the terrible fact that there are so many people who are stricken with the disease. There were not enough reclining seats in the treatment area, and i ended up having to have my infusion done lying down on a hospital bed. Hmmm....first time getting treatment lying down...I hope its not bad luck! Hahaha

So much for now. Pretty tired from all that waiting. Gonna turn in early tonight.

3 Strikes and We Got Lucky

Went for the Zometa jab today. It has been pretty routine, a non-event. Except that today, my veins went into hiding, and the nurses seem to be having a pretty time looking for one. So I had 2 pricks on my hand, and the 3rd lucky strike on my arm.

Sigh...feel like a pin-cushion today

Dying to be Heard - by Sharon Robbins

October - The month for pretty pink ribbon pins. Flip through the newspapers, and you can see that there are many events, talks, symposiums organised over the weekends focusing on early detection of breast cancer, treatment options and reconstructive surgeries. While it is an excellent message to bring attention to the members of the public on issues about getting regular mamograms and not to ignore suspicious lumps, what seems to be lacking is the message that you are never too young to get breast cancer. I was diagnosed at age 30. I had met a lady, diagnosed with the disease, right after she graduated from university. You are just never too young to get breast cancer.

Now that the disease has progressed to Stage 4, it does seems to me that we are case studies that will never be discussed in such talks and symposiums. Who wants to hear about how the disease has progressed despite treatments? There's a need to paint a rosy picture that the disease is "curable" if detected in its early stages. Not true, I don't think I will be a good candidate to put on the stage for such talks, i probably scare everyone with the true reality of the disease.

Anyway, I found the message in this article that is just so amazingly true

Dying to Be Heard
by Sharon Robbins

In Memorium

October 10, 2003

During the month of October we are bombarded with the message that early detection of breast cancer equals cure...that anyone surviving five years from diagnosis is, indeed "cured". This year, I have decided to speak out. Like many other women, I believed that when my breast cancer was detected early and I had the most aggressive treatment available, I had done my job and could look forward to the rest of my life.

I believed the early detection message. I was 45 years old. I was even pronounced "cured" by the doctor who was my oncologist at that time.But like so many others...thousands of others every year...I was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer after celebrating that five year anniversary.

After the initial shock, I was certain that I would be dead within eighteen months. That's what every article I could find on the internet said. That was over two years ago. I am one of the lucky ones. Up to this point, my cancer has responded well to treatment. I was even one of the ones who went into remission due to new drugs and therapies. But what about tomorrow? Like thousands of others, I will never be "cured". Because, you see, cancer that has metastasized is not only deadly; it is a very crafty foe. It can mutate and learn how to get around the roadblocks that any given treatment throws in its path. Today it may be in your liver, tomorrow your spine.

Like thousands of others, my only hope of continued survival is to have new drugs developed and new treatments that can stay one step ahead of my cancer. It doesn't have to be a death sentence. We CAN continue to live productive lives, but only if the research is there. When survivors are discussed, no one ever hears about us. They don't want to hear about us. We are the hidden survivors. We are your wives, your mothers, your daughters. We are you. today or tomorrow. We are dying to be heard.

If breast cancer can truly now be considered a chronic illness, why are we still dying at a rate of more than 43,000 every year? It is a deadly disease, and a pretty pink ribbon cannot make it go away. We are in that "success statistic" if we have survived for five years. Some days we don't feel very successful.

We live with breast cancer every day of our uncertain lives until it finally takes us from our families and loved ones. If we are one of the "lucky" ones, that is often after years of debilitating treatment that makes the phrase "quality of life" absolutely ridiculous and has drained our families of any financial security they may have had. If we are fortunate enough to survive until we are eligible for Medicare, we face the knowledge that our prescription drug bill will be astronomical and we will no longer have medical insurance that covers it. If, and when, a new drug is finally approved by the FDA, it can be six months or more before Medicare will pay for it.

How many women die in that six months because they can't afford the treatment? We are dying to be heard.It is time to see more funding and emphasis for both first line and metastatic treatment, not just for awareness. There are now more graves from women who have died since 1991 from breast cancer than the total graves in Arlington Cemetery.

Our doctors tell us that we don't have to worry about breast cancer until we are older. Is it acceptable to die just because we are over 50? I don't think so. I am not ready to die. As I write this, I am awaiting the arrival of my first grandchild. I would like to be here for her. But age isn't even the true story. Tell that story to the young woman who was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer when breastfeeding her first child. Tell that to my stepdaughter who, at 33, and about to have her first child, looks at the future with fear because her grandmother, mother, and now her stepmother have all had stage IV breast cancer..each at a much younger age. I am the only one still here. Tell that to a husband who is now raising his two children alone, getting them ready to start first and third grade. They are dying to be heard.43,000 of us dead every year. That is half the population of Henderson County.each year.every year. Imagine losing every single person in this county, in the space of two years.

That is what breast cancer can do, and will continue to do until we look for answers. Not just slogans, real answers. We are dying for them to be found.Please help speak for us.

Contact your Senators and Congressmen. We need funding for breast cancer research, not just awareness campaigns. We are dying.http://www.cancerlynx.com/grave.html

Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

A couple of weeks ago, during one of my Zometa sessions at NUH, the nurse administering the jab enquired about my health, and details about my treatment. I have no qualms talking about what i am going thru, the treatments, the relapse, my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation. She than shared with me that her mother is currently going through chemotheraphy for cancer. She looked worried, and mentioned that the tumour markers are moving up. I told her not to worry so much. With medical advances, though there's till no cure, there is still a possibility of living with cancer.

Went by NUH today for my monthy dose, and as I was getting ready to leave after treatment, I ran into her. When i enquired about her mother's health, she turn away briefly, and when she spoke, her voice quivered. Her mum is not doing too well, "but she is still looking great". It was an awkward moment. She than quickly mentioned that she needs to rush off somewhere.

Maybe I shouldn't have mention, and just ask her if she had lunch or something. Sigh...me and my big mouth.

I am Back!

er...if you haven't notice, I have been back from my trip. It was fabulous holiday, which holiday isn't. Anyway I was suppose to upload the pics, but hubby dearest beat me to it, and upload the whole stash into his laptop, and deleted all the pics in the digital camera. great...

Nothing much to blog about except that i am off to a busy day tomorrow, starting with The Jab at NUH.

Lifestyle of One High Maintainence Gal

Just back from my monthly maintainence program. And i am feeling rejuvenated and sort of energized. i am back-ache free for the moment. If you ask, I probably could bent and touch my toes. Haha. I haven't seen my toes in that angle in a long long time if you ask me.

Well, I would like to say that my monthly maintenance program revolves round facial, spa, massage, slimming program, and an occassional face lift or botox. These are luxuries that I
will love to indulge in. In actual fact, my monthly maintenance program involves a trip to the hospital, and an infusion of Zometa through my veins. Its good stuff, if you ask me.

Bone metastases wear away portions of bone‚ leaving small holes called osteolytic bone lesions, leaving the bones weak and fragile. The drug essentially fights these abnormal cells, and restores the normal process of bone remodelling, and help protects the bones. My interpretation: it fills up the holes in my bones, and fights away the bad guys.

And they even have a Buy 2 dose, get one dose free promotion, I kid you not. Ask your oncologist. He / She will provide you with more details on the offer.

Anyway, my hubby joked that that I am evolving into one very high maintenance gal.

Other than the monthly program, I am on drugs that cost a subsidised priceof $10 a pop. Not complaining cos' i know of fellow survivors on more expensive drugs. And I need to do quarterly scans. These scans are costly ($$$) and can cause large amount of stress built-up and pent-up emotions. And after each scan, we celebrate the result with nice dinners ($$$). And during school holidays, we take short trips overseas ($$$), to destress ourselves from the cumulative amount of stress.

Well, at least i am not filling our cupboards with bags and shoes :)

Due for My Monthly Upkeep

Somewhere around the 3rd of each month, the aches and pain on my back i normally have starts to get worse. Thats when i know that I am due for monthly maintainenece - I need my monthly dose of Zometa to ease the pain, and hopefully fill the holes in my bones eventually.

Woke up this morning with a really painful lower back. Feel like an old lady right now. Thats when i realise that my next trip to the Hospital will be on the 18 Aug, coming Monday. Hopefully my achy breaky bones will feel better.

Grrrrrrr...Feeling grouchy now

Day of Reckoning II

Its amazing how a 15 minute conversation with my oncologist can relieved all the stress for the entire week. My Oncologist is the sweetest lady. She knew I was early for my appointment, and called me in before it was really my turn. Guess she knew i was anxious to find out....


The results: everything stable, no new spots on the bones ..phew!! Yup, not even the "spot" on the foot that the radiogragher saw. And suddenly the pain on my foot disappeared as well. hehehe


Mike and me celebrated by catching a movie. We caught The Dark Knight. It was a good show. I enjoyed the late Heath Ledgers portrayal as the Joker. He is bad to the core, and so sinister. And I thought christian bale is so cute. sigh.........

Back to some normalcy...at least till the next scan

Day of Reckoning

Seeing the Doc in a couple of hours time. Mike is coming along with me, though i thought it may not be really necessary. Afterwhich, will be getting my monthly dose of Zometa.

My spirits are rather low at this point in time. I have this feeling that there may be a new spot at the heel of my left foot. Strange that i didn't notice it until the Radiographer pointed out the spot during the scan last week. My back is also feeling rather achy. Hopefully, its because of the medication wearing off after a month, and not so much because of new spots. Think my spine is beginning to look like this....

On another note, there is a very kind soul out there who has been sms-ing me on a rather regular basis, like once or twice a week. He / She has been sending me encouraging passages from the bible, greetings to have nice day, etc. for the past year or so, without any imdication of who he / she is. I have kept some messages, deleted some. I have replied some of the messages, but fallen short of calling that number. I have yet to find out who this person is. Whoever you are, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart...Perhaps someday, I will know who you are...

Ingenious Ways to Save time and Needle Prinks

Got myself scanned. The day went about in an uneventful manner. As usual, Mike accompanied me, and waited together with me while i waited for my turn at each station.

My first stop at 0930 hrs was the Cancer Centre for Blood Test to check on the Kidney and Liver function. Learned from prior experience, that if you ask, the nurse can help you set the plug as well. So that saves you 2 (or even more if you have tiny veins like mine) needle prinks for the Bone scan and CT. And from countless horrific experience in hospitals, the nurses at the Cancer Centre are the Best-est obscure vein finders (the doctors are the worst cos' they out of practice) **Pats myself on back** So proud of myself to think about that.

Second Stop at 1015hrs: Bone Scan. Got myself jabbed with the radioactive isotope. Proceed to have brunch, cos' have to start fasting soon after for CT scan. After brunch, proceed to the radio imaging centre, to collect the horrific contrast drink, which i need to down, so that they are able to see my insides.

So i save some more time, downing the contrast, while waiting for my turn for the bone scan, while reading pretty current magazines.

Finally, they called for me to go in for the bone scan at 1.00 pm. Took extra long time to finish the scan. Hmmmm... they took "close ups" for my torso area, and even my feet. Radiographer said that they see spots there. Dunno what to say...and think

Anyway, last stop was for CT scan. Nothing eventful... probably cos' am totally zapped of my energy by then.

Went home, and slept early. Sleep provides relief... both from worry and the hustle and bustle of the day's event. Results Out next Monday

Gonna Have my Insides checked...

Yup, the much awaited scan day is just a couple of hours away.

Gonna have my liver and kidney function check
Gonna have Bone scan done
Gonna have CT scan for the abdominal area
Gonna be pricked and poked, and injected with radioactive stuff.

Feeling pretty calm about it.

Other than that, nothing much to blog about...

Five Year Mark...Yay?

As of sometime in mid-July, it will be the 5th year of my cancer diagnosis. I had my surgery on the 04 August 2003. Its probably around this time that I was disgnosed with the cancer. I remembered I was running around like a headless chicken making arrangement for the surgery, making arrangement for nic to be taken care of while i was away in the hospital, handling the paperwork with HR. All these while trying to grasp with the painful reality of the news.

Anyway, doesn't this revelation puts me statistically in the optimistic group of women who are still alive five years later? I always kind of thought the statistic referred to women who were alive five years later without having recurred, but now I'm not so sure that's what they mean.

Perhaps, even in my current state, it IS still considered a victory? Yay....

Despite the aches and pains on my spine and pelvis, I am happy to still be here sucking air, even though I had been hoping for more...

Tidying Up

Its like 3 am right now... Slept early yesterday, but somehow work up, and just couldn't get back to sleep again. while tossing and and turning in bed, many random thoughts just fill my head.

Somehow, I started thinking about things I need to prepare in the event that things takes a turn for the worse. Not sure why I am having these thoughs, but it could be the upcoming scans on the 14 july 08.

I have been a member of a forum board for young women survivor of cancer. Though I haven't been much of a contributor, though more of a lurker, the board has been my great source of information and inspiration. Its a US based site, and there are many women on the board who are just like me. Diagnosed at a young age, some as young as in the early twenties. Some are mommies to young children, but all of us have the same affliction. Some of these women has passed on. I had read their posts, some with their desperate pleas for more information, some with a resigned tone, some just completely stop posting on the board after some time, and we know why. Through these posts, I know that when the end is near, in most cases it just comes fast and furious. For some of them, they are gone in like 6 mths after IT hits the vital organ like the lungs and liver. And because of that, I am scared....

I am generally feeling well at this point in time, albeit the aches on my back. I have been procrastinating on tidying up some matters like putting my will in order, and some other affairs. I actually penned a love letter for Mike some time back, which was meant for him, after I passed on, but he found it, read it, and was crying his eyes out. Silly me, I forgot to save the letter up with a password. I haven't written another letter since.

I have read of some other women, who did voice recordings and videos, and wrote letters for their kids. I am thinking of the latter. I would probably write to Nic about things I would probably want to tell her at certain point in her life. But I can imagine her getting these letters and going...urhg...Not another one of those nagging from the grave...hahahaha... Oh dear i hope she doesn't think of it this way.

But I guess, most troubling for me will be my parents. I am an only child, no siblings, and if they are to outlive me, I am not sure how things will turn out. I love my parents dearly, and it must be pretty tough on them. I hope Mike will be able to look out for them if I am to leave this mortal world in an untimely fashion...sigh...

Some other things i would like to do while i am able:
I would like to travel. Places I would like to visit are many, but resources limited. Some of them are
1) Holland (to see beautiful tulips)
2) Germany
3) Spain
4) Greece
5) Switzerland (to see snow capped moutains)
6) New York (to visit Felicia & Jef)
7) Canada (I want to see the Niagara Falls)
8) US (for some outlet shopping, but I haven't much of a shopping person lately)
9) Perth (to visit Dawn and Louis in their new home)

I would like to look beautiful again.... i have been putting on so much weight. I am like a totally different person now. i have lost so much self esteem and confidence since... Anyway, I am trying to motivate myself to work harder at losing my excess baggage.

So far the list is just that. Will add them as we go along

Oh..And the drama between Xiaxue and Dawn Yang...total waste of blogspace an d time! Get a life, girls!

Wishing ... Hoping...

When the docs first started me on the oral drug tamoxifen in 2004 for my cancer, I took it in stride. I knew I had to go on the drug, and hope for the best that it doesn't come back again. The docs said 5 years, you only need to take the drugs for 5 years, and this will increase your chance of survival by another 50%. Well, I Will try all means to survive, and exhaust all means of medication and treatment, just so that I can live. At that point in time, I could see myself 5 years later, living well, and more importantly, we wanted to resume some normalcy in our lives, we wanted to try for another baby. I was focused, and determined as I felt I had a "mission to procreate".


It would have been 5 years of drug taking this year. Alas, that wasn't meant to be as IT came back again last year, and that dashed all hopes of ever conceiving again, and my dream of having another child. I had to put my dreams aside, and again focus on getting well again. I am now on Zoladex which suppresses the ovaries from producing oestrogen. I am technically in menopause right now....and I will never have another child.

I have sort of faced up to the fact, but would sometimes catch myself gazing at babies and toddlers, and smiling to myself. I hope their mummies don't think i am psychotic ...haha... Recently two of my best friends got pregnant. I am definitely happy for them, and couldn't wait for their births.


Anyway, if I can't have a baby, I want one of these ...



These are available on Ebay. These are called "Reborn Dolls" These are not toys, but collector items, and to me a fine work of art. They look so life like, and so pretty. I wouldn't mind having one of these, though it will never be the same as having a real baby in your arms. I think some may think its a little freakish cos' the doll is so life-like .... (like a relative, she kept saying that the doll we gave her daughter two christmases ago was so life-like, its scary, her daughter can't sleep with the doll in her bedroom, blah blah...hello, its a christmas present, just say thank you and shut up!)