Reformed

I have always loved shopping, and i enjoy buying anything that catches my eye, be it home furnishings, clothings, bags and shoes. Lately, I seemed to have reformed. I don't seem to be very interested in buying anything. I used to have so many wants. I actually have a checklist of stuff that I want to have. Looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I am not too sure which stage I am in right now.

I don't fit into most clothes, so I am not interested in looking most of the time. Being a stay at home mum, theres not much of a need to really dress up. and as such, I am usually in my tanks, jeans and capris most of the time.

Bags - I used to be unable to get enough of them, but since I got my LV Neverfull, I seem to have lost the passion to chase after the next IT bag. Shoes - another big issue. I love shoes. I love heels, and used to be able to walk many miles in my 3 inch heels. Not anymore. And i am not particularly thrilled to wear flatties. sigh...I guess I lost the sense of empowerment those additional 3 inches gave me. I have been wearing my birkis and Clarks pumps for the longest time. I am looking for new footwear, but haven't been really proactive in looking for it.

And I haven't wore make up for the longest time. I really really do need to snap out of it.

Despite all these, I have been having this urge to buy this



Yes, a blankie. It simply look so soft and inviting, I just want to have one of these over my head. And I could stay inside there, and not have a care in the world

Hmmm.......does this reflect anything about my current state of mind? i need a security blanket

Tidying Up

Its like 3 am right now... Slept early yesterday, but somehow work up, and just couldn't get back to sleep again. while tossing and and turning in bed, many random thoughts just fill my head.

Somehow, I started thinking about things I need to prepare in the event that things takes a turn for the worse. Not sure why I am having these thoughs, but it could be the upcoming scans on the 14 july 08.

I have been a member of a forum board for young women survivor of cancer. Though I haven't been much of a contributor, though more of a lurker, the board has been my great source of information and inspiration. Its a US based site, and there are many women on the board who are just like me. Diagnosed at a young age, some as young as in the early twenties. Some are mommies to young children, but all of us have the same affliction. Some of these women has passed on. I had read their posts, some with their desperate pleas for more information, some with a resigned tone, some just completely stop posting on the board after some time, and we know why. Through these posts, I know that when the end is near, in most cases it just comes fast and furious. For some of them, they are gone in like 6 mths after IT hits the vital organ like the lungs and liver. And because of that, I am scared....

I am generally feeling well at this point in time, albeit the aches on my back. I have been procrastinating on tidying up some matters like putting my will in order, and some other affairs. I actually penned a love letter for Mike some time back, which was meant for him, after I passed on, but he found it, read it, and was crying his eyes out. Silly me, I forgot to save the letter up with a password. I haven't written another letter since.

I have read of some other women, who did voice recordings and videos, and wrote letters for their kids. I am thinking of the latter. I would probably write to Nic about things I would probably want to tell her at certain point in her life. But I can imagine her getting these letters and going...urhg...Not another one of those nagging from the grave...hahahaha... Oh dear i hope she doesn't think of it this way.

But I guess, most troubling for me will be my parents. I am an only child, no siblings, and if they are to outlive me, I am not sure how things will turn out. I love my parents dearly, and it must be pretty tough on them. I hope Mike will be able to look out for them if I am to leave this mortal world in an untimely fashion...sigh...

Some other things i would like to do while i am able:
I would like to travel. Places I would like to visit are many, but resources limited. Some of them are
1) Holland (to see beautiful tulips)
2) Germany
3) Spain
4) Greece
5) Switzerland (to see snow capped moutains)
6) New York (to visit Felicia & Jef)
7) Canada (I want to see the Niagara Falls)
8) US (for some outlet shopping, but I haven't much of a shopping person lately)
9) Perth (to visit Dawn and Louis in their new home)

I would like to look beautiful again.... i have been putting on so much weight. I am like a totally different person now. i have lost so much self esteem and confidence since... Anyway, I am trying to motivate myself to work harder at losing my excess baggage.

So far the list is just that. Will add them as we go along

Oh..And the drama between Xiaxue and Dawn Yang...total waste of blogspace an d time! Get a life, girls!

Banned from Disneyland

Thought this is really funny! What were they thinking!

Wishing ... Hoping...

When the docs first started me on the oral drug tamoxifen in 2004 for my cancer, I took it in stride. I knew I had to go on the drug, and hope for the best that it doesn't come back again. The docs said 5 years, you only need to take the drugs for 5 years, and this will increase your chance of survival by another 50%. Well, I Will try all means to survive, and exhaust all means of medication and treatment, just so that I can live. At that point in time, I could see myself 5 years later, living well, and more importantly, we wanted to resume some normalcy in our lives, we wanted to try for another baby. I was focused, and determined as I felt I had a "mission to procreate".


It would have been 5 years of drug taking this year. Alas, that wasn't meant to be as IT came back again last year, and that dashed all hopes of ever conceiving again, and my dream of having another child. I had to put my dreams aside, and again focus on getting well again. I am now on Zoladex which suppresses the ovaries from producing oestrogen. I am technically in menopause right now....and I will never have another child.

I have sort of faced up to the fact, but would sometimes catch myself gazing at babies and toddlers, and smiling to myself. I hope their mummies don't think i am psychotic ...haha... Recently two of my best friends got pregnant. I am definitely happy for them, and couldn't wait for their births.


Anyway, if I can't have a baby, I want one of these ...



These are available on Ebay. These are called "Reborn Dolls" These are not toys, but collector items, and to me a fine work of art. They look so life like, and so pretty. I wouldn't mind having one of these, though it will never be the same as having a real baby in your arms. I think some may think its a little freakish cos' the doll is so life-like .... (like a relative, she kept saying that the doll we gave her daughter two christmases ago was so life-like, its scary, her daughter can't sleep with the doll in her bedroom, blah blah...hello, its a christmas present, just say thank you and shut up!)

Varying Degree of Suite-ness

13 June to 15 June 2008

3DN Tioman
Berjaya Tioman Suites

Back from our short getaway trip to Tioman, and more exhausted than ever!

2 months back, we balloted for a 2 bedroom suite at Berjaya, and won the ballot. It was a fantastic deal considering its SG$25.00 per room, per night. So for accommodation in a Junior Suite room for 3D2N, we pay SG$100.00!! We were so thrilled and excited that we managed to snag this deal, like win lucky draw!!

I prowled the web for pics, but wasn't very successful. So we had a vision...In our mind, we had this image of our beautiful seaview Junior Suite Room in Tioman..


We just couldn't wait to get there! Anyway, it was the beginning of a not that fantastic trip. For a start, we realise that there is no longer a direct ferry to Tioman. Nope, we have the option to either fly there or to take a bus to Mersing, and than a ferry to Tioman. We chose the latter as we didn't like the look of the plane.



Bus ride to Mersing took 3.30 hours. And afterwhich, ferry ride to Tioman took another 3 hours. It could probably take a lesser amount of time to reach Tioman, but the way the rides are run, they try to fill the ferry to the maximum capacity before leaving. So ferry ride was crappy and bumpy. We slept for most part of the journey with dripping air-con, and shoulder to shoulder to seating arrangement. It was a good thing the kids were ok, and none of them threw up.

Anyway, when we finally reach our hotel, and got to see our "junior suite" it was a total let-down, anti-climax. Its smaller than a 3room HDB flat with ceremic flooring. Bedrooms are tiny with ONE common bathroom. Retro Furnitures like from the 1980s...gulp... guess it hasn't been changed since then.

I definitely wouldn't pay RM$850 per room night...what were they thinking????

Well, saving grace...we enjoyed our day trip. We got to snorkel and swim with the fishes. The kids enjoyed feeding the fishes with bread which we bought from the bakery. wah...the fish diet damn high in carbo

Verdict for the trip: Think i rather stay home and nuah

Its Gone!

Yes! just as it mysteriously appeared, it has quietly disappeared.
Not sure if our frantic springcleaning has rid it of its offsprings. Anyway, we are resuming some normalcy in our home. Quiet is good.

Wonder why God created mosquitos? Whats its function, and what good does it serve?

hmm...ponder...

Fighting the Hidden Enemy

Yes! We are on a rampage!
We will be vigilant...We will show no mercy...We will kill with one big SMACK!
Yes, we have been bitten by the bug...the silent blood sucking mosquito(s) that has been an invited guest(s) in our safe haven.

Since our return from our short vacation, we have been stung countless times by this mosquito that has invaded our home.Its everwhere, in the living room, the study, our dining room. aghhhh...it seems we are not safe, even in our own home. We are sporting battle wounds of a different kind...we have mozzie bites of different sizes on our legs and arms.

We have heeded the government's call to check on crevices with possibilities of being breeding ground for the mozzies, we have empty our flower pots, to the extent that we do not have living plants in our homes.

Aghhh!!!! Wait till i smack it!

Rejuvenation of the Mind and Soul

Indra Maya
01-03 June 2008

We are back from our short vacation at the Indra Maya on Bintan Island. A much needed break, where we were able to bond as a family, and enjoy the luxury of 2 nights stay in a bungalow perched on a hilltop, overlooking the sea. We had the opportunity to feel the seabreeze in our face, and bask in the morning sun while we enjoy our own private pool.

The villa we were staying



Doorway to luxury. The other side of the villa overlooks the sea.
Breathtaking view of the sea, with trees providing shade from the afternoon sun.

The swimming pool within our villa, with trees providing some privacy from peering human eyes, but not from peeping squirrels and iguanas

Bikini babe Nic taking a dip.

We were so close to nature, that we had the chance to enjoy the silence of the night while listening to the chriping of the crickets. It was so nice being away from the traffic noise and distraction of modern technology. We had squirrels so close to our doorsteps, and even an iguana visiting our backyard. Time is such a luxury on our holiday, where we even had the chance to watch the stars, and enjoy the wonders of God's creation. And with no distraction from the PC and internet, I had every opportunity to bask in this luxury.

Look what we found in our backyard!!!!

This is my 3 year old nephew Ryan who was part of our entourage. He brought us so much joy during our trip. He helped us see one of God's wonderous creations, when he burst into the villa one night, squealling with such great delight and excitment at the sparkling stars in the night sky. He was so in awe with the beauty of the twinkling stars in the velvet black sky, that we too were drawn to sit down, and looking up into the sky, enjoy the spectacle.

Such is the luxury of time, and the appreciation of little things through the eyes of a 3 year old