Running on Batteries

And so the surgery went without a hitch, other than a brief couple of minutes when i woke up in the middle of surgery and hearing the surgeons talking and the beeping of machines that i am wired to. Well, that freaked me out quite a bit, and i burst into tears! Pretty embaressing, thinking about it now, but i was promptly knocked out again with more Propofol because of my distress.

Anyway, since i have been fitted with the device, life seems to be a little better, a little rosier. I could drink a bit more water without gagging and feeling nasaues, I could walk a little bit more before needing to sit down and rest, i could do a bit more packing and unpacking without breaking out into a major sweating. Essentially, I am feeling less of an 80 year old. Maybe a 70 year old. There are still limitations. I still break out into major sweating and become breathless when i am low on sugar. I still cannot carry a conversation while walking uphill. I turn blue, apparently. Its definitely not Energizer batteries that i am fitted with. I don't feel like a bunny at all!

Anyway, the true verdict will come in April when i will go for another ECG to determine if I am responding to the device.

And so fingers crossed, hope and pray that this will work. I don't wish to join the queue for the broken-hearted waiting and praying for a healthy heart in a broken body to come their way.

Did i mention that i am getting new titanium implants?

Ok, so i didn't get the implants in October 2011. By some strange twist of events, the operation was cancelled, and because my holiday schedule clashes with the surgeon's busy year end calendar, the surgery was postponed to.....gasp! 05 Jan 2012!! Glad i didn't suffer a "sudden cardiac death" while waiting...

It was nerve racking, initially. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to go ahead with the crazy holiday plans that we made months ago before i was aware of my situation. We were heading to Taiwan for 10 days in November and Hong kong for 4 days in December, and there were two staycations in between. I would suffer major losses if i were to cancel these trips. Too late to cancel. I wasn't too sure if i wanted to be caught in a situation either while in a foreign land. With the issue of breathlessness, i wasn't too sure if it will be safe to fly. What happens if i collapse? Will i be saved in time? So many questions, so many fears!!

With the doctor's name card, medication, a printout of my medical history in my bag, and faith in God, we decided to packed our bags and go ahead with our vacation plans.

I guess the mind is the strangest of all things. And of course, the power of prayers. I made it through these trips and back, and feeling better than ever. Perhaps its the worry free days of reckless shopping, dining, sight seeing and great company...Perhaps I am away from the stress of our daily routine, the renovation problems ... Or perhaps, its just not my time yet.

I am glad we went ahead with the plans despite the risk, and i could gladly say that the days spent on vacation will be cherished memories.

And so, tomorrow will marked another new chapter in my life...living with a defillabrator with the hope of buying some more time. Hope its a worthwhile purchase!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Hope it has been a good start to 2012. It has been for me. I am still feeling the adrenaline rush :)

Revisiting - Going for New Implants

Its been a while since i visited or made an entry here. There were attempts to do so during the past one year to sit down and pen my thoughts. But words do not flow too easily these days. Guess i have been bitten by the Writer's Block.

The last few months had been really really crazy. We finally ... after a long delay of 1 year and a massive massive clean-up, got started on the renovation works at my mum's place. Yes, it is way overdued, and through the tears, angry words and drama, the place is finally ready to be renovated. It is no easy task getting there, with almost 20 years worth of stuff, clothing, junk and what mum calls treasures and memories. Mum is a hoarder, and that explains the drama that have been going on for the past couple of months.

Through it all, we did find a stack of letters that Dad wrote to her when he was working overseas, while Mum, as a new mother, stayed on in Singapore. Those letters, yellowed with age, and somewhat brittle, brought back a flood of memories as Mum reads them over again. She found comfort and solace reading them as she felt Dad's concern and love through the words he penned so many years ago.

I found many letters and cards from my dear friends who would drop me a letter periodically during those days they were overseas. I used to look forward to receving their letters, and enjoyed reading about their days in the university and what they have been up to. I guess in this day of electronic age, hardly anyone writes a letter or sends a card. Nothing beats the feeling of holding those hand-written letters in pretty stationery, and the anticipation and delight of receiving them in the postbox. And its also a good excuse to stock up on all those pretty paper and envelopes and stickers.

Health wise, i am not sure if i am doing too well. About 2 months back (August), i had some episodes of breathlessness, and while sleeping, i vividly remembered being out of breath and gasping for air. It felt like a nightmare, but i awoke still feeling breathless and perspiring.
I brought up this issue to the Docs in NUH whom i am under their care. Foreign talent doctor listened intently and increased my dosage for some medicine. Check my blood pressure, gave me new prescriptions, and bid me goodbye - we will see you in 6 months time.

The breathlessness didn't go away. I still have those bad dreams and waking up gasping for air.
And so, i decided to listen to that little voice in my head, and made an appointment to see another Doc at the National Heart Centre. I cannot wait another 6 months, can i afford to? And the little voice in my head has proved itself right again. Things are not looking too good. The echo done last year has a EF reading of 38% (moderate), but its condition has decline to 29%. A normal person has a EF reading of 40-50%. In Doc's words, i am at risk for "sudden cardiac death". er....i wasn't really expecting that. I didn't even come prepared with the extra pair of ears (my hubby) to listen to him say that. And so , i receive the news ... alone...

I was pretty calm, and there were no tears. It was like deva ju yet again. The Doc was kind, and his tone was calm, when he delivered the verdict, but I guess whichever way he delivers the news, bad news is still bad news.

And so, the Docs have recommended that that I get an ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator) implantation. Its a small device, the size of a pager with wires threaded through the veins into the heart. It will help stimulate the heart to restore a normal rhythm, and will give an electric shock to reset the heartbeat if the heart stops beating. macham like battery.

I will be going for the procedure next week. I have been waiting anxiously for the past 2 weeks. I was so afriaid that something will happen before i could go for the procedure. It will be very "sway" if it did. And so i have been trying to be very very calm. Didn't let the little things ruffle my feathers.

So now, praying that the procedure will be successful. Pray i don't get a heart attack while on the opearting table (10%) and that the doc can find the vital veins to hook up the wires (some 5% folks do not have that vein, according to docs. i hope i am not one of them)

And so, i will be out of action at Little Gems for a while, while i get my new implants....a battery operated heart (?)

PS. If you are a family friend or relative reading this blog, please do not ask my mum about my condition. My exact condition has been sugar-coated, so she does not know the full extent.

You know your little girl is no longer little when....

...she tells you that her classmate R has her first period, and she found out about it on .... gasp! Facebook!!

Yes, Nic's classmate R had her first period recently, and decided to share her experience with her peers on her facebook account, not realising that what transcends between her friends and herself on the Wall are all out there for the world to gawk!

And so with that, we had the Talk. She had asked about the Whisper and Kotex ads that were airing on TV, and I had explained briefly about it. Well, this time round, we went into specifics, like what happens, dealing with it, the inconveniences, keeping track of it, etc...woman to girl.

I found this on the web, if anyone of you mommies has problem having the Talk.

Everything you can possibly think of, ranging from books, disposable panties, starter kit, they have it here. Pretty helpful site for inspiration as to what your little girl would probably need to deal with her first period.

Well, I am glad I had the chance to talk to her about it. Its never too early to talk to her about it, though Nic has just turned 9, and still pretty much a kid. Her classmate R will only turn 10 in March'11, which makes her technically 9 years old when she had her first period. I guess girls these days are hitting puberty at a much younger age. Not a good sign, as there had been researches on breast cancer being linked to early puberty.

And so with that Talk, we had another conversation. And that is the power of the social media, and how certain things should just stay discreet...

Moving On

I should have written about this earlier. The results for the androgram is that there isn't any blockages in the heart. (yay!) And so, they were spot on what they had anticipated about my condition. The cardiologist prescribed some medication that is suppose to slow down the pulse rate, and which will improve my heart's condition. So yes, more pills added to my pill box. Wish they have some nice fancy pillbox to make my day. i am currently using the Daiso ones. Functional and cheap. But i think i deserve something fancier...haha...and so, one more reason to go shopping.

And oh, i found this while surfing, and thought this is just so meaningful

The Cross

The young man was at the end of the rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees and prayed.

"Lord, I can't go on," he prayed. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "Son, If you can't bear its weight, just place your cross in this room. Then, go to the other room, and pick up any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible.

Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more blessed than you imagine

************** Author unknown ************

the Mind is Willing...But the Heart is Weak

Well, who would have thought that what probably had save my life years ago, had probably been slowly creeping up on me, and little by little stolen my heart.

Yes, the docs did mention the list of side effects of the chemotheraphy. The part about losing the hair and puking registered, but i guess i totally forgot what the chemo drugs could do to my heart. I guess that was the last thing on my mind when the imminent danger was the cancer.

I was due for my routine bone jabs last week. While waiting for the drugs to be ready, the nurses checked my vital stats, and found my pulse rate racing at 122 beats per minute. All these checks done while i was leisurely reading a magazine on the recliner. Subsequent readings hover around 100+ beats per minute. Not normal. ECG was ordered, and then the ECHO.

What really freaked me out is when the attending nurse asked if i needed a wheelchair or if i am feeling faint. They looked at me as if i am going to pass out any moment. Even the doc reminded me to check myself into the Emergency Department if i don't feel well. Thats when panic mode set in. Hmm, not normal.

Anyway, the week went by uneventfully with zero episodes of fainting or breathlessness, racing heartbeat, yes. Saw the Cardiologist today. Not good news. The heart is now weaker. I am now scheduled for andriogram in 2 weeks time, after i am back from my trip. The docs are quite certain that cause of the weaker heart could be due to the chemo but they are not going to rule out blockages in the artery. Either way, i now have a weaker heart, that is .

I am going on a vacation tomorrow. Hopefully it will mend my heart a little

Looks like December is going to be a busy month

this put a smile on my face

Remember the movie "Big" starring Tom Hanks in the 1980s? For some bizarre reason, the tune that he played on the giant piano kept playing on my mind, and i just had to do a seach on Youtube.

The name of the song is called, "Heart and Soul". theres so many versions, but I love this version. Put a smile on my face after a pretty dreadful week.

Will blog more about it next week :)

Mila's Daydreams

I just adored these whimsical pics from this blog "Mila's daydreams". Its 'a mother's peek into her little baby girl's dreams as the little one takes her nap.
I think its a pretty creative way to showcase the clothing as well...if you are in the retail biz for baby's clothing

These are a couple of cute ones that i like.

Little Red Riding Hood

Gone Fishing

Mary Poppins