Busy Busy Busy

Its been a week since we returned from our vacation, and i haven't been busier.


There's Christmas lunch, Boxing Day, and also getting Nic ready for school. I am not sure which is tougher, getting her body clock back in sync or getting her ready for the new school term. Its been a week since our return, and Nic is still sleeping really early at night and waking up in the wee hours of the morning. Well, we just need to tune it a little, before she could wake at 5.30 am during the weekdays without any whining.

See this pic? Thats Nic in her new school uniform just before she entered Primary One. Right now, she could barely fit into it. The skirt falls right above her knee, and she can't buckle her belt. Well, i thought we could adjust the hemline with a little sewing, but unfortunately its a no-go cos' the pinaform is also a little tight round her chest. Sigh...so time for a change

So in the midst of our busy schedule, we brought her to the factory to purchase a new set of pinaforms. We were not the only parents there. the reception area was packed with like-minded parents on our last minute mission.

Nic's pinaform is now 2 sizes larger. Its a little long, but in true IJ tradition, I have taught her how to pull out the pinaform on the front so that it puffs up a little, thus shortening the pinaform...just the way mummy used to wear it, but mummy's skirt was a little shorter :P

All Packed...

So excited...we are finally all packed...except for the toothbrush, and other daily essentials. We are all ready for our trip to the USA!!

The Teenage Textbook Movie (1998) [Full]

Oh my! oh my! I found this on Youtube!!

Do you remember the Teenage Textbook? Well, if you are as young as i am, you will probably remember it. I remembered reading the book and loving it. Its essentially about Singapore JC kids in love, very singaporean, and it sure brings back the nostalgia and loads of memories of my own JC days.

And they even made it into a movie staring Melody Chen and Randall Tan... who is married to each other!

And oh..oh...it was filmed in St Nicks!! If you are familiar with the school premises, you will notice that "Paya Lebar JC" is actually our school grounds!

Well, go ahead and enjoy the movie...cringe worthy but sure brings back the nostalgia.

Free Lunch Up for Grabs!!

And they say that there is no such thing as a free lunch!!

Check this out! TGI Fridays is offering you a complimentary meal at their new restuarant located at The Hereen. Each registration is entitled to a maximum of 4 guest (including yourself).
Free meal period is from Sunday (13/12/09) to Wednesday (16/12/09). Register now to avoid dissapointment!

Aiya...too bad, not in town!

Today, I Celebrate...

Today, I celebrate the birthday of my first born, my baby girl. Well, you are a baby girl no more. You are growing up just so quickly. Who would have thought that you are turning 8 today! My goodness...how time flies!

And as I relish in the joy of being your mummy and buddy (she has developed a habit of putting her arm round our shoulder, and going "My buddy"), I am just so glad to be around to help you blow out the candles on the cake.

Well, Happy Birthday, Sweetie! May all your wishes come true

Christmas is Bigger at Changi Contest

i know its a little late to put this up, with the closing date looming on the 25 December., but i thought its worth a shot. See the ad that is on your right? Haha times are bad...so get clicking

There are 3 ways to winning in this contest:

1. Changi Musical Ball Contest

A total of $4000 worth of vouchers and prizes to be won! Simply visit the site everyday (you can reach it by clicking the widget on the right side) and activate the musical ball. You are limited to one try each day per account.

2. The Big Christmas Photo Contest on Facebook

Snap a picture at Changi Airport to the theme of “Big Christmas” for a chance to win Changi Dollar Vouchers worth up to $50 weekly. Upload it on facebook and get as many people to "like" your photo. Photo with most liked each week will win $50 Changi dollar voucher.

3. The Biggest Christmas Blogger Contest

Put the big musical ball widget on your blog and get your readers to click it (of course, you can click yourself too). There is no limit to the number of times you can click. The blog who has the most clicked widget each week will win $150 Changi Dollar voucher!

Please help us click the widget on the right ok? Whenever you need to activate the musical ball, go click on the widget!

Good Luck!

Busy Weekend

We had a really really bussy weekend. There was non-stop packing and email answering. We managed to clear all the orders and had them weighed and stamped at the post office yesterday. Yup, we jammed up the entire queue with our 3 big bags full of packages, but we got to do what we gotta do.
Well, glad all is done. All the paid local orders have safely been sent to the post office, and will be reaching our local customers real soon. As for the overseas orders, it will probably reach them in one to two weeks time.

Back from My Road Trip

I am back from my road trip.

The holiday to Kuala Lumpur and Malacca was fabulous. We did more, saw more places, ate more and shop a lot more.

Right now, i have just dumped my second load of laundry into washing machine, and while waiting for the washer to complete its cycle, i just downloaded my emails - 148 mails worth of orders and enquiries on Gmail, and 169 mails worthof spam and supplier offers on Yahoo, and not to mention my Ebay account yet. sigh...its going to be a long long night.

Well, i will try to upload some pics and blog more about the short getaway

Thanks for bearing with me

KKH Blunder

This news was covered by the Straits Times a couple of days back, where human error at KK Women's and Children's Hospital (KKH) led to two cancer patients being given more chemotherapy drugs than they were supposed to get. Heres the article if you have not read about it.

http://news.asiaone.com/News/the%2BStraits%2BTimes/Story/A1Story20091112-179378.html

I feel so sorry for both the patients that they have to suffer further due to human error, in spite of their own medical condition. Having to go through chemotheraphy is bad enough torture, but to get an overdose from it, I cannot imagine...

I was appalled when I stumbled upon this blog, which belongs to the relative of one of the cancer patient, which details the real details, not from the media's point of view, but from the patient's relative

http://chunkie84.blogspot.com/

Its amazing how time pass so quickly. And it is always the school holidays that I realised that the 24 hours in a day is never, ever enough to accomplish my tasks. Keeping a restless child entertained during her school holidays is really keeping my hands full. I stopped trusting my memory a long time ago, and keep a diary which lists down the activities, playdates, birthday parties that she is invited for. And its her activities that is keeping me busy. I would need to bring her there, and while she engages in her activites, i am whiling my time away waiting to bring her back or to her next activity. Nothing much on my own social calendar though, haha.

Nic seems to be coming out of her shell these days, and is becoming more extrovated and confident these days. She speaks her mind, though she may sometimes go overboard, especially with the adults. I am glad for her new-found confidence. I also realised that I am beginning to talk to her more as an individual, not so much as a parent-child. She enjoys talking to me about fashion, and loves clothes. Here she is posing in a Gymboree Toga top from my shop

She has also found a good friend in school, and the girls have been chatting quite a bit over the phone and online, and visiting each others home. I do hope that both of them will continue to maintain their friendship, even though they may be in different classes next year.

As an only child, I really do hope that along life's journey, Nic will find friends that will be like the siblings that she do not have. Firm friends who will stand by her and support her during those rocky patches along her life's pathway.

I pray all the time that she will be blessed with great friends like mine, and long lasting friendshsips like mine, one of which started way back when we were just 6 years old. :)

To my dear friends, you know who you are....THANK YOU!

A CLEAN Slate

The unimaginable happened 2 days ago. My hard disk got corrupted and my system is rendered unsavagable - at least for an computer idiot like me.

For a person whose bread and butter is so dependent on the PC to function like it should, all hell broke loose when i could not boot up the PC. I was a nervous wreck - all the months of P & L, inventory list, scripts and loads and loads of photos of past, current and upcoming stocks, all wiped out just like that. I had always been pretty religious about backing up my stuff, but the past 2 months had been so so busy that i had neglected the all too important task of backing up my work. I was really miserable as hell.

Anyway, orders still got packed and sent, emails still got answered, while Mike got a friend of his to help with the situation, and of course, not without first ticking me off.

Thanks to the capable hands of Johnny, my system is now up and unrunning. He even managed to salvage most of my files. I am just so grateful that I do not need to do a stock take, and the P & L for the missing months. And yes, the many photos in my drive has also been salged, including the photos of the many beautiful stocks that will be coming up in the coming weeks.

Whats unsalvagable were the list of websites that I frequent that were in stored in My favourites list. Yes, including the list of blogs maintained by friends long gone. Gonna try googling to find them...

The Shan + Rozz Show: EP9 - The Boomz Girl

Ok, I know. this is so yesterday's news. But i just don't get it? Whats with this girl?

Does she know that she is being poked fun of...and than doing her hokkein #$#$@#%@ on TV.

Like she said it, this is so Shingz (??????)

I hope we see the last of her

Shopping! Shopping! Shopping!

I always always love a good excuse to shop!

And what better excuse to shop would be for our upcoming trip to the US. I am pretty excited about The trip. Its the first time going to the States, and i just can't wait. We are heading to San Francisco, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon and Disneyland and Universal Studios at Orange County. Its going to be winter there, and the temperature is going to be in the range of 7 to 15 degrees. We have been checking out some places for winter clothing, and they are pretty expensive. And so, I have been busy shopping online!

Oh my, the options are endless! I got this for Nic. Cute, isn't it? I got this brand new Gymboree jacket from ebay for about $50+ with postage. Something similar would have cost $199 at ColdWear!!

I just got myself a pair of boots today - a perfect pair without heels. Sigh...I really do miss wearing heels, but oh well, its a small price to pay. I am currently looking for some warm leggings, long sleeve tees, beanies, scarves and gloves for Nic.

Sigh...I wish I could still fit into those winter clothing that I had worn when I visited my friends studying in London then. I was in my youthful twenties than, and had bought myself a tweed trench coat from Mango, a faux leather trench coat from some Indie brand, knee length boots, etc. Unfortunately the faux leather trench and boots have become mouldy and gross and have since been disposed. And as for the tweed trench coat, it doesn't fit anymore. Too fat, cannot button, and so cannot keep myself warm :( And whats left of them are just photo memories...

Anyway, I guess I will be snooping around Ebay for some more deals.

Well...counting down the days till it happen

Exam Fever

Its been the longest time since i last blogged. Been busy preparing Nic for her exams

Nic's exams are FINALLY over. And i thought my mugging days are over. No, you can imagine me harressing the little one to hit the books at 8 pm every weekday night, and practically a good portion of the weekends doing exam papers after another. My efforts are definitely not appreciated, and were met with grouses, protest, tears and whining...lots of whining.

Though I am beginning to see a little more of myself each day in Nic, she kind of lack the kiasu streak in me when it came to my studies. I admit, I had this kiasu streak in me, when i was in school. i was afraid to be at the bottom. Even if i am terrible in a subject, i cannot be the worst. I had to be at least better than the worst student. Well, Nic is just simply bo-chup...

And so we are now waiting for her results. Her optimism about the papers being really easy, hasn't exactly ease my mind, as her complacency had often resulted in careless mistakes.

Anyway, its Children's Day today. So gonna go easy on her today. Its her day today

Happy Children's day!

same ol' same ol'

Haven't been updating much ... nothing much happening... its the same ol' same ol'.

Had my monthly shot last thursday, and my quarterly blood test. Alls well except for the low calcium level and slightly high uric level. Calcium level has edged up a wee bit from the previous test by 0.01 at 2.09 from 2.08. So gotta down the calcium pills religiously and cut back on my kacang.

We had been pretty busy the past 2 weeks or so, preparing Nic for her year-end exams, which is happening really early, starting on the 25 Sep. From the looks of things, I am the one who is more kancheong than the One taking the exams, who is more concerned about the TV schedule and her pets on Pet Society... sigh...

I am actually pretty glad that her exams are ending early. That leaves us with more time to prepare for the final quarter of the year. Yes, our year end trip has been booked, and we are heading to the USA. Thats something on my bucket list which i can finally scratch off. Though it will be no where close to the Niagara Falls, at least its still the US. Well, maybe another trip if health, time and finances permit :)

Where's My Stuff?

Following the Nasty Customer Saga, first of all, we would like to thank everyone who have commented for your kind words and support. Its very much appreciated. The case has been resolved, though it does leave a little bitter aftertaste, and a nagging urge to do a follow-up post.

So, what happens when packages go missing...

All Little Gems orders are always packed in good order, ready to be shipped within 2 business days after payment is received, unless theres public holidays or unforeseen circumstances. In most cases, all items are received within 1-3 working days upon posting.

We provide customers the choice to have their purchases delivered by regular or registered mail. We always recommend your orders to be send by registered mail for tracking purchases, as well as an insurance coverage of up to S$60.00. Your article can be tracked here, from the time the article is received at the post office, up to the point where the item is received and acknowledged by the receiver.

For mails sent by regular mail, there's no way the article can be traced. In the event it doesn't turn up, do email us. We will call the delivery base to assist with the tracking. Much as we would like a speedier process, Do be patient, as the ball is not in our court. We will only be able to let you know when the Postmaster reverts to us after their investigation, usually within 3 days.

While lost packages are rare, they do happen. The most annoying and common cases are lazy postman who forgot to leave a notification card at your door when they fail to deliver your package.

Do recognize that there's always a risk for online purchases as the physical package would have to go through the entire proccess of collection, sorting and distribtion. We buy online ourselves a lot too. Its almost awful for us to say that as soon as the package leaves our hands at the Post Office, we have no control over it. Its a harsh reality, yet so awfully true. We would however strive to keep you guys happy, as we treat you as we would like to be treated ourselves.

Last but not least, Remember to always be nice. Its much easier that way.

Self-Restraint

This blog entry isn't so much about the NASTY customer that i had. It is in fact more of how my emotions got the better of me, and just simply spiralled out of my control. You could say that I prided myself for being a pretty calm and collected person, who is at a stage in life where little irks does not unfazzle my nerves, and little people affect me no less. But I guess, i was so wrong.

I am guilty of letting a total stranger ruin my mood and my Saturday with my family. Totally undeserving, and thinking of it still makes my blood boils!

I am so tempted to post the exchange, but will refrain from that, but I certainly will be quoting from our exchanges. To cut a long story short, this customer made a purchase and wanted it sent by regular mail. Registration is always recommended, but she wanted to save that $2.30. she didn't receive the mail after 5 days and emailed me on Friday, accusing me of being dishonest, saying that she "will make a police report against me, and report to ACRA and Small Claims Tribunal". Hey, if singpost screw up, you can't blame me.

I called Singpost that Friday to check, but being a regular mail, there is no records and traceability. The supervisor at the delivery base called on Saturday, and did say that he will get back to me after checking. I could visualised her jeering at me when she said that I "have no proof that you send the goods at all". And she goes on to say that I am unhelpful, and went on to file a claim on Paypal, leaving me no chance to respond to Paypal's request. She had me cornered, all for $26.40. She did not even allow Singpost to revert. I smell fraud, you think I should make police report too? She receives the package and claims she didn't, and makes a claim through Paypal?

What really really irked me, and made me fumed was her attitude. Just because you make a purchase from my shop doesn't entitle you to speak to me in a condescending and rude tone.

While I was still fuming, Nic came by and innoccently asked me a question and I snapped at her. It certainly was no fault of hers. She was simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time. She was taken aback, and left the room, like a poor puppy with a tail between her legs. I know I shouldn't have yelled at her, and I should have exercise more self-restraint. Looking at her sleeping right now, I am just simply guilt-ridden. I know she will probably forget about the episode tomorrow, but I just wished I had more restraint on my own emotions. I wanted to kick my own butt now.

While I honestly do enjoy doing what I am doing, working hours do eat into Family time sometimes. While i do try to keep them separate by spending certain number of hours with Nic, work beckons sometimes, and it may not always be possible. And what about emotions? While I try not to let any negativity affect me, I guess I let my guard down this time.

Well the fiasco hasn't ended. I will check with Singpost again on Monday, and will pick it up from there. Anyone interested to know more details about said customer can email me. I shudder to think that she is in a profession in shaping our future generation.

My mantra from now on will be:

I will NOT let Nasty people affect my emotions. They Do not deserve my attention! They can go *bleep* *bleep* !! (Please fill in the bleeps with appropriate words)

Another Little Bump on the Road

Sigh...who would have thought a sumptious dinner of crab meehoon on sunday would have led to this.

It was just one of those weekends that we decided to have Nic's favourite meehoon soup at our tze cha place downstairs. Nic usually have the meehoon and soup without the crab. Being the picky eater that she is, she decided to be a little adventurous this time round and to try the crab meat as well. She loved the taste of the succulent crabmeat, and had a claw and a single portion of the body as well. Who would have thought...

We woke up on Monday and as we prepare her for school, we saw 2 little red spot on her right cheek. Thinking that its probably some insect bite, we applied some cream and sent her off to school. Alarm bells rang, when she came home from school with a large (about 50 cent coin) red patch on her cheek, the same cheek which we thought were bitten by bugs.

The redness subsequently spread to her ear, and more small red spots appeared on her neck, arms and legs. Brought her to the clinic and were given some antibiotics, cream and anti-itchiness medication.

Its been 4 days already since we had the crabs and the redness is still there. We are pretty concern as its on her face. We are watching her closely, and will probably bring her to the hospital if the redness didn't subside. Nic had a previous episode of food allergy as well, when her eyes became puffy after consuming 2 tablespoon of birdnest. That subsided after a day, and we ruled that she will not be able to have anymore birdnest.

Feeling really heartsick. So poor thing :(

What a Scare!

Ok, this happened on Monday nite. Thinking back, it scared the hell out of everyone, especially Mike.

It was almost 10 plus at nite, and I was helping Nic with her school work. Mike was nursing a can of cold beer in the living room watching TV. Moments later, he came into the room, grabbing his chest, and looking totally out of his elements. He was in cold sweat, and kept saying that he was feeling bloated, wanted to puke, but can't puke, breathless, and his chest hurts really badly. The pain must have been really intense, cos' when Mum suggested calling an ambulance, he didn't object. This is so unlike Mike.

Anyway, lots of drama. Nic started crying, as Mike continued to grimace in pain, and kept asking when the ambulance will arrive. Mum kept pacing around the house, praying. I was just in "shock" mode. It was a complete role reversal for me. Mike had always been the One in charge. He has always been one who knows what to do, and he was always the one who had been taking care of us. He is our Pillar...

The paramedics arrived shortly, checked his blood pressure, his heartbeat, gave him some medication to sedate him, and promptly brought him to the hospital. The ride on the ambulance, my first, was a really emotional one. I didn't know what was wrong with him, and if everything is going to be ok. With my dad's passing not too long ago, I am not ready to face another emotional upheaval, not now, please. I was in tears...and praying, Please God, not another piece of bad news!

And so, Mike was admitted to the hospital. They conducted the ECG on him, and ruled out a heart atack. That was a major major relief! An Endoscopy was also conducted, and the Docs found an ulcer in his stomach. The ulcer, we guessed must be from the regular drinking sessions he has with his friends after work. Not that I wanted to go "I told you so", but I had been telling him not to drink on an empty stomach. With the temptation of cheap booze at his workplace, he often drops by his mass for a few glasses, before coming home for dinner.

Anyway, Mike spent 36 hours in the hospital. It was a wake up call for all of us - for him to take care of his body, for Nic to appreciate his Daddy, and for me to be thankful for having him as my Pillar of Strength, him more, and appreciate him a little more. Its a good turn of events, but i shudder to think of the possible outcomes. *gulp*

Alls well now :)

I wish...I wish..

As I read with great sadness the turn of events in Fleur's life, I shudder to think that this is the road that I will tread to my eventual end. This year has been quite a ride. While I relish in the joy of stable results for my condition, I am somehow emotionally affected by the number of deaths in my virtual community of cancer survivors.

Yes, my virtual friends, fellow survivors are dying or who have since passed on. With great disappointment and despair, none seem to have survived beyong 10 years of their metstasis diagnosis, from my observations. Is this how my life is going to turn out? Its been 2 years since my metstasis diagnosis. How much more time do I have? I know I do not have the luxury of time on my side, but I wish I know...

As I reflect on the long and arduous journey that I have travelled so far, I am thankful for the years that i have been blessed with - being my "new normal". Foggy brain, squeaky joints, achy breaky back, compromised sexuality, an expanding waistline, and more recently, signs of degeneration in the bones of my feet - the results of chemo treatments, radiaition and years of drug use define my "new normal". Yes, this is my life now...

Do I wish for life before? Yes, I do. But I harbour a desire for greater things, a better tomorrow...if only there are many many tomorrows coming my way...

With that thought in mind, I am planning for my next vacation...

It would have been your 66th Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Papa! You would have been 66 years old today. Sadly, you will not be around to have our regular seafood dinner at East Coast, and blow out the candles on your favourite durian cake from Angie the choice.

Its been almost 5 months since you left without a word. I can't imagine how time flew by so quickly. We are moving on with our new routines, coping with our new life without you. Its strange, isn't it, how life continues to move on...

Nicole had started piano lesson while you were still in the hospital. You would have been so proud of her if you could hear what she could play on the piano right now. I guess the musical genes had skipped a whole generation with me not even making it through Grade 1. Nicole had been so inspired to learn those songs you used to sing or play on the harmonica and flute. She works hard practicing the tunes that the teacher taught her, and has made quite a bit of progress, despite starting out a little later than most of her peers. I may be biased, but I think she plays the piano so beautifully.

Mummy is staying with us right now, though she had been pretty busy packing up your place for us to eventually move in. Progress is slow, but i guess she enjoys spending the afternoons at home with you. She talks to you (your picture, rather) often. Can you hear her?

I talk to you too, in my heart, like how you taught me to talk to Jesus. Can you hear me too? I think of you often, you know...and I am still missing you so much.

I would like to think that you are now our Guardian Angel, looking out for us. I felt that way, when Mike couldn't accompany me for my scans recently. I am always nervous when it comes to going for these examinations, but I felt calm throughout. My scans turned out stable. Thank God!

Papa, I hope you are happy wherever you are. You will always be close to my heart wherever you are. Happy birthday to you!

Loving you lots

xoxoxoxo

Your daughter

this made me smile

Made me smile. Kept replaying the clip.
Music : Forever by Chris Brown

Wink Martindale - Deck Of Cards

I heard this over the radio, some golden oldies countdown program. I guess i have to see the humble deck of poke cards differently down.


During the North African campaign, a bunch of soldier boys had
been on a long hike and they arrived in a little town called Cascina.
The next morning being Sunday, several of the boys went to Church.
A sergeant commanded the boys in Church and after the Chaplain had
read the prayer, the text was taken up next. Those of the boys who
had a prayer book took them out, but this one boy had only a
deck of cards, and so he spread them out.

The Sergeant saw the cards and said,
"Soldier, put away those cards."

After the services was over, the soldier was taken prisoner
and brought before the Provost Marshall. The Marshall said,
"Sergeant, why have you brought this man here?"

"For playing cards in church, Sir."
"And what have you to say for yourself, son?"

"Much, Sir," replied the soldier.

The Marshall said, "I hope so, for if not I shall punish you more
than any man was ever punished."

The soldier said, "Sir, I have been on the march for about six days.

I have neither a Bible nor a prayer book, but I hope to satisfy you,

Sir, with the purity of my intentions." And with that, the boy
started his story: "You see Sir, when I look at the Ace, it reminds me
that there is but one God. And the Deuce reminds me that the Bible

is divided into two parts, the Old and the New Testaments. When I see
the Trey, I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
And when I see the Four, I think of the four Evangelists who

preached the Gospel; there was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

And when I see the Five, it reminds me of the five wise virgins who

trimmed their lamps; there were ten of them: five were wise and were

saved, five were foolish and were shut out. When I see the Six,

it reminds me that in six days, God made this great heaven

and earth. When I see the Seven, it reminds me that on

the seventh day, God rested from His great work. And when I see

the Eight, I think of the eight righteous persons God saved when

He destroyed this earth; there was Noah, his wife, their sons and

their wives. And when I see the Nine, I think of the lepers

our Savior cleansed, and nine out of the ten didn't even thank Him.

When I see the Ten, I think of the Ten Commandments God

handed down to Moses on a table of stone. When I see the King,

it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty.

And when I see the Queen, I think of the Blessed Virgin Mary,

who is Queen of Heaven. And the Jack or Knave is the Devil.

When I count the number of spots on a deck of cards,

I find 365, the number of days in a year. There are 52 cards,

the number of weeks in a year. There are 4 suits, the number of

weeks in a month. There are 12 picture cards, the number of months in

a year. There are 13 tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter.

So you see, Sir, my pack of cards serves me as a Bible,

an Almanac and a Prayer Book."

"And friends, the story is true. I know, I was that soldier."

Death is Not Dying By Rachel Barkey

This is honest and thought provoking talk by Rachel Barkey. She was a 37 year old wife and mother of two, who had vigilantly fought breast cancer for four and a half years. She had since passed on on 02 July 2009.

On March 4, 2009, what started out as a small talk to a women's group at her church grew into an event attended by 600 women from around Vancouver, giving Rachel an opportunity to share about her hope in the midst of terminal cancer.

I had shivers to hear her story of diagnosis, treatment, surgeries, re-diagnosis, family, kids, and their struggle against the disease. I was pretty choked up hearing her speak, as I could definitely relate to what she went through.

The video is 55 minutes long. What she says is truly inspiring, and certainly made me stop and reconsider so much about my life.

http://vimeo.com/4541424

If you would like to find out more about Rachel, here's her website:

http://deathisnotdying.com/

Buzzzzzzzy

Ok...if you have been following my tweets, i have been busy lately "spring-cleaning" my blogs. In fact, if you haven't notice, i just change the background, added some buttons here and there.

Nothing much to blog about...just keeping busy doing random stuff.

Will blog when inspiration strikes...

Love the new wallpaper...what you do think?

:)

Evian Roller Babies US

This is just so cute!!

Argh! I caught a bug too!

Nic's temperature has been yo-yo-ing between 38.1 to 39.1 degree the whole nite. She is feverish, and complains of being cold. Poor girl, her lips were almost purplish, and she was shivering. Fever medication helps, but once it wears off, her temperature just goes up again :(

As for me, i am just feeling lethargic, and i have this nagging pain on my rib (the one with the lesion on my left lower rib) which makes turning painful. check my temperature, and it says 37.9.

Well, nothing but the good ol' panadol, which helps with the pain and fever...

Still having issues with the menu. Nic doesn't like porridge, so its gonna be a soupy week ahead with soup for most the meals.

sigh...

Argh! chicken pox

Nicole is down with chicken pox.

Yes, she will be away from school for the entire week. she is more likely to be quarantined at home while she recovers.

Nic is relatively active and almost her usual self, other than a temperature of 38.2 degree.
The doc gave her fever medication, medication for the chicken pox and itchiness, some calamine lotion for applying, and advice for plenty of rest, and to stay home. Well, thats what the doc said, but from what my mum and aunties advised, there's definitely a longer list of "dos" and "don'ts"!

No picking the pox - for obvious reason, we don't want to have pot marks
No Seafood - may cause even more itchiness
No snacks and Heaty Food - for obvious reason
No black sauce - may cause the pot marks to turn black (huh ??????)
No chicken - (HUH ?????)

Whatever, nursing a feverish child is bad enough. I can't imagine there's so many issues with the diet. Anyway, gonna be staying home a lot more this week

Sharing with the World

What would you do if you come down with a life threatening disease, like cancer?

See a doctor, get treated, keep a blog...and keep on living

Some people would like to share their journey, others like to keep it private. Its a personal decision and choice...afterall there will be many sensitive issues that will be broached. And you just never know who is on the other end, reading about your journey, your thoughts.

I guess its rare to find a blog to read, and like a craving keeps you wanting to come back for more. Over the past couple of years, there are a couple of blogs which I had been keeping tabs on. These blog owners are living with cancer. As I connected with these wonderful ladies, who had reached out through their blogs, sharing with readers the most sensitive and intimate details about their treatment, their life, their thoughts, I made a conscious effort to keep tabs on their blogs. Its like a sisterhood built on the disease that we all share, and its through their words of wisdom that I learned more about the disease and how to deal with it in my daily routine. Their words are often inspiring and would never fail to lift a tired spirit.

While some blogs appeared to have been abandoned or not updated after a period of time, it could probably be that the blog owners got bored with the novelty of blogging. However, more often than not, the blog owners may simply not be around anymore. Over time, I have learned to accept that, my favourite blog reads will no longer be updated, and even if they are updated, the spirit and essence of the original writer will no longer be present in the words on the blog.

As my list of favourite blog reads whittle with the passing of each brave sister, I really do not know what to do with my list. Do I leave their blogs on my favourite list, knowing that nothing new will be posted. There will be no updates on their life, about where they are, or what they are doing. Or do I whittle my list to those still living.

At this point in time, the list remains. simply because I still want to remember...

Happy Father's Day!!!

To All Daddies out there, Happy Father's Day!!

Toxic

Haha, ok, feeling a little corny.

Due for scans tomorrow. Same drill, the docs gonna pump into me isotopes for the bone scan, so toxic, that theres designated toilets for you to release your bladder. So toxic, pregnant nurses avoid you like plagues. I am gonna be made to drink this icky yellow coloured liquid that taste like mama lemon washing detergent, just so that my insides would light up like christmas lights if there is any cancer activity going on in my abdominal cavity.

Couldn't help but feel that Good ol' Britney Spears is serenading to me.

Oh well, life is such....

Soul Food

I know, i know... I am late again in posting my pics from the road trip.

We arrive home safely to a whole barrage of emails and orders to fulfil. Now that those are cleared up, I realised that the Zoombrowser program for downloading pics from my Ixus canon is misssing from the PC. Hmm....no one else at home touches my pc except me, so it must be no one else but me who had probably deleted the program or something. And plus the fact the right click for my mouse is not working too. .. oh well, will get these fixed some day.


I thought I should blog about a refreshing, not gastronomical lunch experience we had today. We needed to settle some legal matters at the Lawyer's office down at Furama today. We were early and decided to have lunch at People's Park Centre. We came by this dim sum restaurant called Breakthrough Cafe located on the 1st level.

Breakthrough cafe is run by a Christian based aftercare association that provides skills to former prisoners who have difficulty finding jobs because of their record. Many of the waiters sport fierce looking tattoos under their polo tee uniform, but service was really good, if I had to compare the service we received from a popular family restaurant that servces ice cream. The waiters were prompt to seat us, gave us our order sheet, and patiently waited to take our orders. Our food came promptly, no necessity to remind.

We also witnessed how a waiter react to a customer (the flashy tai tai with big hair, and just as big bling blings) who complained about the half boiled eggs not being done in the way she like it. I would have been really pissed at the way the lady talked down to the waiter, but he took the offending eggs away, and upon replacing the eggs, the lady told him that she did not want it anymore.

What amazes us is not so much the food, but the attitude of the staff. They seem just happy to be able to serve, and this joy seems to radiated towards their work attitude. Having had our fair share of sulky faced waiters and waitresses, and even sarcastic restaurant managers, what greeted us at this restaurant was indeed a refreshing change.

About the food, Breakthrough Cafe servces coffee shop type of food and tim sum at reasonable prices. We had the pei tan porridge, har kao, siew mai. All were delicious and so were the coffee and tea, whch were professionally done. All these served in a nice, clean, air-conditioned with nice furniture. Nicer than kopi tiam

So, if you are in the vicinity, drop by the restaurant. Give it a try, give them a shot!

Breakthrough Cafe is located at:
101 Upper Cross Street #01-02 People's Park's Centre

We are going on a Road trip!

With the Swine Flu scare going around, we are paranoid about flying. We heard so much about the poor air quality in the plane cabin, and didn't want to catch any kind of flu, swine flu or not.

We have limited options. We have been to Bintan 3 times in the past 2 years already. Batam isn't a choice destination, and Sentosa feels too close to home.

And so we are packing our bags, and driving up to Malaysia! Yes, our friendly neighbour. We will be driving up to Kualar Lumpur, cameron highlands and Malacca...

And so the journey starts early tomorrow morning, and clinche as it may sound, its not the destination that matters but the journey to get there...whatever!

Expectations vs Reality

The annual Teacher's Parents Meeting is just round the corner, and I am so dreading to be there to meet her teacher and to pick up Nic's report card. Nic haven't been performing too well in the school and I am anticipating that there's going to be quite a number of complaints from the teachers. Oh well, guess I have to face up to it.

When I was first diagnosed, Nic wasn't even 2 years old then. Being confronted with my own mortality, I thought I just wanted Nic to have a childhood, to have fun growing up, and be as carefree as possible. I do not know whats in store for her in the future, but I guess the least I could do is let her have a happy childhood when I am still around. Who knows how long that will be. Well, Nic spent much of her early years watching lots of Barney, Sesame Street, Hi-5, on TV, playing "masak masak" with Grandma, playing with the kids next door, going to the library...not a really structured sort of routine, but pretty carefree. We travelled often, sometimes taking her out of school during term time, while we take short trips. I wasn't the flashcard flashing kind of mama, but i tried to cultivate her interest in books with little success.

As Nic enters into formal school, my expectations for her were simple. Just do your homework when you need to, and pass all the subjects. I guess school life couldn't be so carefree anymore. She had to adopt a more structured routine, and had to adapt to a pretty different kind of lifestyle, something which she is still trying to get used to. She has to sit for exams, she has homework to do, spellings and dictation to learn, and her performance will be graded.

Nic thrives on compliments, praises and positive reinforcement. I think all kids do. She did well in her chinese language last year as she endeared herself to this sweet young chinese teacher. Its a different case this year, she hasn't been doing her chinese homework, and seems to dislike the subject. the teacher seems to have issues with her as I see the remarks she leaves in Nic's homework. I guess thats the variable element that is beyond our control in nurturing her love for a particular subject.

The kids in Nic's school will be streamed this year, where the kids with the top grades will be in the first 3 classes, while the kids with lower grades will be in the bottom 3 classes. While I am not agreeable with the streaming process, its the reality that the strong will thrive, while the weak will be ousted in due course. Its no longer enough to just pass your exams, you need to excel.

With school being so competitive, I do wonder if I had been slack during the formative years of her young life. Am I paying the price now?

And the Stressed Out Mama ponders...

Taking it Lying Down

Just back from treatment today. Its been a long day, literally, just waiting for my turn. I can't imagine the number of people who need to turn up for treatment today. Its terrible, isn't it? I don't mean the crowd, but rather the terrible fact that there are so many people who are stricken with the disease. There were not enough reclining seats in the treatment area, and i ended up having to have my infusion done lying down on a hospital bed. Hmmm....first time getting treatment lying down...I hope its not bad luck! Hahaha

So much for now. Pretty tired from all that waiting. Gonna turn in early tonight.

Twittering

I have tried very hard, I have resisted but failed miserably, I have succumbed to the temptation of Twittering. I am still tinkering around the features. So if you are curious about what this old bird (read: me) is up to, click here:

aww, look: Parents of the Year

The Parents of the Year has got to go these parents in Melbourne

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/parents-fail-to-realise-son-missing/2008/12/22/1229794320089.html

I Made It Through Another Year!

Yeah! One more candle on the cake, one whole year to be thankful for!

Yes, I have turned a year older at the stroke of midnight. Its a quiet day with a simple lunch at Ivin's and dinner at Jack's Place. I didn't have to prepare dinner tonight, so thats a good thing for me. No presents from Nic, cos its exam season, and "she don't have time to draw a card". Its ok, Nic, just do well in your exams, thats the best-est present I would ever ask for. Mike got me a netbook. Small, and fits nicely into my tote. What else could I ask for? :)

Its a bittersweet day. I couldn't help but miss my papa a little more on this day. I miss going out with him for our birthday dinners at the East Coast Seafood Centre. I missed the quiet walks along the beach after these dinners. I just simply missed his presence...even more today


It didn't help that a dear friend passed away not too long ago. Even though we have not known each other for too long, I couldn't help but miss her. Its not too often that I am able to meet someone who is able to click with you, who understands the situation that we are in and the predicament we are in. Who else would understand the frustration of our forgetfulness and being "mentally slow"? Having said that, i am glad I am still able to solve Primary 2 problem sums :) they are not very easy these days.

I am looking forward to the year ahead. It has been 5 years 10 months since the initial cancer diagnosis, 1 year 10 months since the relapse. Life has been good, and I am looking forward to more :)

YouTube - The Mom Song

Happy Mother's Day for all mummies reading this...I am sure you can relate to this song ;)

Rest Well, My Chemo Buddy

I met Angie at the Cancer Centre sometime back in early 2008. I just had my first round of Zometa and Zoladex regime, and we were introduced by the nurse when Angie wanted to find out more about the regime i was on. We hit it off pretty quickly, exchanged phone numbers and had been in touch since. We often scheduled our chemo sessions about the same time so that we could do lunch after our sessions.

Angie was diagnosed with advanced breast and bone cancer in February 2006. She went through the standard treatment regime of chemotheraphy and radiation. She was starting out on her Zometa infusion when I first met her. Her health condition took a turn for the worse in the last quarter of 2008. The cancer had spread quickly to her liver and lungs, and yet she fought on courageously. During one of our last conversations in January, she told me that she has resigned herself to fate, and that she probably may not be able to see Christmas this year.

Today, I lost another dear friend to the deadly and unpredictable disease. She leaves behing 3 lovely children aged 4 to 11 years old. To those who do not know her, Angie will be a sad statistic, a number to be added and tabulated into graphs and tables, an unknown individual who was unfortuante enough to have caught the disease. To those who know her, she was a bright and beautiful lady with a generous heart and a warm personality.

Angie, you are going be missed.
Rest well in the arms of Jesus

Preparedness

We finally settled with a lawyer to handle Papa's estate. Papa passed without leaving a will. He had assumed that whatever assets he had will be automatically transferred to the next of kin, namely my mum and myself. He refused to talk about stuff like these, as he felt that its taboo to talk about death when "all is well". We left it as that, as we didn't want to prode further about such matters.

On hindsight, if he had prepared a will, which would cost $150 - $400, we probably may not need to spend $2500 in legal fees to settle the matter. The lawyer has advised us that with disbursements, and other miscellaneous charges, the final bill will be in the range of around $3500. Not to mention that the entire process will take 6-8 months.

Having to go through this, I saw the importance of getting the will done. In fact, i have been "thinking" of getting it done for the longest time, but the procrasinator in me got the better of me. Mike and myself have given it some thought, and we will be getting it done soon. We are definitely concern about who gets our money, assets, hamsters, etc when we are gone, but what we are concerned with is who is going to care for Nic in the event of our untimely exit. Lots of thoughts went into this decision, but we are pretty sure THEY will make great subsitute parents.

On the note of preparedness, Nic will be sitting for her first exams in the second week of May. I am beginning to realise that i am nagging a lot these days, especially as the exam week grew closer. I am not expecting her to be topping the class...mediocre is ok with me...but please don't sink to the bottom of the lot....sigh...

Funeral - English

This advertisement by the MCYS has been airing on local TV recently. Its an ad about a woman presenting an eulogy of her husband in a funeral setting. Its funny, moving, and strike a raw nerve with my dad's recent passing.

Mum talks fondly of Papa often, the good times they share, the holidays they went together. She talks about his bad habits, his idiosyncracies, but I guess these doesn't matter anymore.

She still misses him...I do too

The Dust has Settled ... Somewhat

Its been slightly more than a week since Papa passed. We are picking up the pieces where we left off. There seems lots of stuff settle, especially since Papa did not leave a will. Right now, we are also packing the house. Perhaps we will be moving to Mum's place eventually. Not now, but eventually.

On the 7th day of Papa's passing, a large beautiful brown moth came and settled itself in the kitchen. While as Christians, we believe that Papa is safe in God's embrace, there's hearsay that moths are loved ones, who have passed on, coming to visit. I would like to think that Papa has found his way home...

Papas's Wake (29 Mar-31 Mar) & Funeral (01 Apr)

Planning Papa's wake was like planning a big party. It was a celebration of his life, so we felt he that he should deserve the somewhat the best. Papa had left instructions that he would want to have his wake at the Singapore Casket, and so it shall be. It helped that the staff at the Singapore Casket were helpful, knowledgable and ever so obliging.

The photo that was supposed to be used was taken while Papa was on a cruise holiday. It was one of Mum's favourite photo as it showed him smiling and in better times and health. The glossy photo however got "pasted" onto the glass covering. Not sure how they guys did it, but they managed to reproduce the photo that we so loved into a larger picture.

It was a surreal experience, planning his wardrobe, choosing the coffin and the flowers, the buffet menu for the guests who came for the wake and the hymms for Papa's wake and funeral service. Papa wore the mandarin collared suit he wore for my wedding, looking really distinguished. With him in his coffin were his a couple of his favourite Hawaiian shirts, his walking stick and his harmonica to accompany him in his final journey Home.

Many people turned up for the wake, among whom were our old neighbours when we were living in Sims Drive more than 20 years ago. They remembered Papa as a jovial guy with many stories and jokes to tell. The nurses from NKF Teck Whye, who had nursed Papa 3 times a week for the last 6 years also came to pay their last respect. There were hardly a dry eye as one of the nurses Glory told of how grateful she is to Papa for giving her the confidence she has as a nurse now.

When Glory first started out as a young nurse, it was Papa who told her that if she was able to needle him, she would be able to needle any other patient. I would have scrambled for safety if I am to receive any needling from any young inexperienced nurses! While going thru' dialysis treatment, Papa often asked about Glory's father, who is presently in a comatose state due to illness. He was such a sweet fellow...

Thanks Felicia & Jef, the 2 wreaths were really beautiful.

On the day of the funeral, we arranged for the hearse to make a short detour back to Papa's home in Choa Chu Kang on route to the Mandai Crematorium. I hope Papa managed to find his way home.

At the Mandai crematorium, a short service was held with eulogy from myself and one of Papa's sister. Despite my anxiety about not being able to compose myself, I guess I did myself proud by not stammering or breaking into tears. Afterwhich, Papa was cremated at 1145 hrs.

Papa's final resting place is at the Church of St Francis Assissi at Boon Lay.

May he rest in peace.

His Final Day

The dreaded call came from my Mum on Saturday's afternoon while Mike and I were shopping at Art Friend in Bras Basah Complex while waiting for Nic to finish her class at NAFA. Mum said that the Hospital called and said that Papa's condition had suddenly taken a turn for the worse and he was being re-admitted to the ICU again.

A part of me was anxious, but a part of me felt that it probably may not be that bad. Papa had afterall gotten discharged from ICU 3 times. He was also doing fine the night before, and had even asked Mum to bring his guitar to the hospital so that he could entertain himself a little. As we cruised on the highway, I remembered Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven playing on the radio. I also remembered feeling a sense of uneasiness as we approached the hospital.

When we arrived, the doctors told us that Papa's condition was critical. He had apparently passed out a lot of blood when the nurses were changing his diapers in the morning. He was immediately sent to the ICU, and a scope subsequently revealed that Papa had numerous ulcers in his stomach, and some were bleeding. Everything happened so quickly. The doctors told us that his blood pressure was falling despite maximum dosage of drugs being given to him. His breathing was erratic, and he had to be intubated. He was also given a blood transfusion. Despite all these measure, I guess Papa's body was simply too tired to put up a fight. His body just gave up. The next time the docs saw us, she told us to gather the relatives, while the nurses clean him up.

As Papa laid sedated, Mum and I talked to him. Papa seemed aware of our presence, and we were pretty sure he could hear us as his brows furrowed as we talked. Papa shed a tear when Mum told him that she love him dearly. When Nic called out "gong gong", I could see Papa's lip twitched a little, like a smile. She has brought him so much joy and laughter. When Mike held Papa's hand, we could see Papa's stats slowly coming to a stop. Its as if Papa felt the assurance that Mike will be taking care of the family with his departure. Papa passed away peacefully at 6.39pm, with his dear ones by his side. i saw my Papa took his last breathe. He will be dearly missed by all of us

My hand in his

Its the wee hours of the morning right now, and i am exhausted from the long day at Papa's wake, but I thought I should take the time out now to pen down my memories of Papa's final days leading to his death on the 28 March 2009. I am so forgetfult these days, that I am so afraid that I may lose these precious memories

i have not been blogging much. I thought I should not jinx the improvements in Papa's condition in his final weeks. Papa's condition had improved following his discharge from the Isolation Ward after his recovery from shingles. Despite his really poor appetite, he was able to breathe on his own, his bp was stable, and more importantly, there was some small progress in his mobility. He was able to turn to the side when the nurses were changing or cleaning him. He was able to sit upright for a slightly longer time, and there were even occasions, where the nurses prep him up on the armchair for short duration of time. He was no longer talking about elephants and istanas, and seemed to be a pretty lucid state of mind. The doctors were even discussing with us regarding our future plans, and rehabilitation at a community hospital. These were small improvements, but we grew hopeful that perhaps we may be able to bring him home someday soon.

The last time I spent time with Papa was on Tuesday. As usual i brought him his favourite dessert, Gingko nut with barley, despite knowing very well that he will probably take 2 or 3 spoonful of it. I bought some chocolates for him as well, hoping that a little calorie and sugar will do him some good. Papa thought that Cadbury makes better chocolates. And as we bantered over which was a better brand of chocolates, he firmly held my hand for a moment. It was the same large hand with the firm grip that held mine as a child, the same hands that gave me so much reassurance as a little girl. It was an intimate moment, a feeling that will remain etched in my mind.

It had been an easy and comfortable afternoon chatting with Papa, something I wished I could savour it all over again. We chatted about many things, and he imparted many valuable advice on parenting and disciplining the child and forming life time friendships.

I just wish I could just turn back time, and relive those moments again, to enjoy my Papa's easy company, to feel his hands in mine, to hug him and to tell him that i love him so very much. Its painful, but we are only comforted that he is no longer in pain. Rest well, Papa

Farewell Papa

My dear Papa passed away peacefully on the 28 March 2009 at 6 pm.
We are dealing with the loss.
More details later...

Settling In

After struggling with Papa's condition for the past 2 over months, we seem to be sort of settling into a sort of normalcy. A trip to the hospital during some part of week has become sort of a norm...we even manage to schedule shopping trips and a decent meal at a nice restaurant in between visits to the hospital. It has been an extremely stressful period for my mum and I, one that I wish that I will not need to go through again.

We have accepted the fact that Papa will never recover from his condition, and that he may eventually die from one of these complications. What we can hope and pray for is that his condition will remain stable, and he is comfortable and not in any pain. He is presently still in Isolation, having just recovered from a bout of Shingles. His speech is slurred though he is alert most of the time.

There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where Papa isn't in the best of moods. He is cranky and grouchy, he refuses to eat or talk, and when he does, he harps about us not bringing him home . But there are good days too...where he relishes in the joy of his imaginary world of elephants, istanas and luxurious apartments by the Harbourfront.

Whatver it is, its in god's hands now...

2 months

Its been almost 2 months since Papa has been admitted. Its amazing how fast the days melt into weeks, and the weeks into months. Since I last blogged, Papa stayed in the ICU for 4 days, and than got "well enought" to be transferred back to the General Ward. After a 3 days stay, he is now in the Isolation Ward. In some ways, I hope he gets to stay in the Isolation Ward, away from hustle and bustle of the General Ward. He gets his private room, TV and air-con. The down-side is that visitors need to don the mask to see him in the room.

Anyway, his conidtion is sort of stable, except that his appetite remains poor, his voice has been reduced to a whisper, and his gangrenous toes have spread to almost a quarter of his foot. The docs called my mum yesterday, proposing amputation. This totally pissed me off! The issue of his blackening toes have been brought up time and time again at family conferences and meetings with the docs a couple of times since the 09 Feb 09. Could the docs have operated on him when his condition was better then? Why now?

Anyway, Mum and I have discussed, and we may not be putting him up for surgery. We feel that it will be really painful for Papa to "lose a limb". We are not sure if the docs have spoken to him about i yet, but I will be seeking his opinion today when I see him.

So the odds are against him now. One of these health issues will get him somehow.

Conversations with Papa

The past week while Papa is in the General Ward has been kind of a bittersweet experience. He was able to breathe on his own, eat and chat with us. How ironic it is that having conversations with him now is such a pleasureable experience. Though he is not making much sense, I actually enjoyed listening to his voice, and hearing him talk. He is funny at times, candid in his views, and can be pretty expressive. I guess I have not appreciate these conversations with him previously when he is lucid and well.

He is delirious most of the time now. Our conversation topics have ranged from his 8 pet elephants to his job being the Sultan of Johor's chief assisant. Though funny initially, it is now becoming more and more worrying. The latest MRI report indicated that that his brain now has multiple septic emboli which is causing his delirium. The docs explained that there is nothing they can do to treat this condition other than continuing with the anti-biotics. There may eventually come a time, where a large enough blood clot will come along and lodge itself in his brain, and thats when he will suffer a stroke.

Papa is immobile right now. His two thin legs are no longer able to hold his weight. His 2 gangrenous toes has now spread to 4 toes, and does not look like it is going to stop its rampage on the rest of his foot. I asked Papa if he is in pain, and he remarked that his foot is burning. Docs are giving him painkillers to ease the pain. Other than that, there is nothing else that the Docs will do.

Yesterday, while we were settling down to a good night rest, the call from the hospital came. The nurse needed us to go back to the hospital asap, as Papa has come down with breathing difficulties. Papa was sent to the ICU yet again. The docs suspected that he has come down with another infection. I really do wonder when this vicious cycle will end.

Sigh...feeling heartbroken

Here it Goes

Papa now has 2 infected heart valves. Surgery will provide a cure, but there will be a 60% / 40% mortality, meaning, 60% chance that he will not survive the surgery. He will also require a longer recovery period due to his current health condition.

Without surgery, Papa will continue to remain susceptitable and prone to the airborne bacteria that is putting him through these episodes of breathlessness, with his poor immunity. With the current antibiotics, the strongest so far, Papa will recover from the infection, but it may not be a full recovery. He may be discharged. He may catch something again, and than gets admitted again. It will be a vicious cycle, until the bacteria gets him.

Its a tough call, a huge gamble, with a human life at stake. I am grateful for the fact that Papa is lucid, and when we lay down the cards, he was very sure that he does not want to go ahead with the surgery. I guess it is a really tough call, but he seems certain of his decision.

Having said that, there has been some improvement in Papa's current health condition over the last 2 -3 days. He is now breathing through an oxygen tube, instead of being intubated. He is also having light meals now, instead of getting his meals through a feeding tube. Despite these improvements, he turns a little blue in the face when sitting up, and his BP is still a little unstable.

The docs, on the other hand, thinks that he is "fit enough" for the General Ward. On the contrary, the issue is more likely to free up bed space in the ICU. Just when Papa is making marginal improvements, the docs want to sent him back to back to the battleground to fight a battle not visible to the human eye, a battle that may eventually get him.

Papa is still in ICU now, but they are looking to transfer him to the General Ward sometime these few days. We are holding our breath now, and hoping that he does not catch anything while he is in General Ward.

But what are the chances? Its a hospital, afterall

Meeting the Docs

The Docs have scheduled a meeting with Mum, me and my aunt (Papa's sister) tomorrow morning. I am not sure what the docs are going to discuss with us. Perhaps, its about the heart valve surgery. The surgery has its risks, but with the complication of Papa's health condition, there is even greater risk. Sigh...will see what the docs says.

Papa is less sedated these days. He is responsive, and as usual quite restless. I noticed too that 2 of his toes have turned black. I asked the nurse if his toes are gangrene, but she did not give an affirmative answer. Papa is not diabetic so the sight took me aback. She said that the toes turned black because of the poor blood circulation due to Papa being bedbound, and also the lack of oxygen circulating in his body.

Sigh...I hope that there will not be further complications. will see what the Docs say tomorrow

Wishing Well (?)

Nic has been pretty thrifty with her allowance. She doesn't spend much of her allowance, and would prefer to spend her recess playing with her friends, rather than waiting in line to buy food. This is so unlike her when she was in Primary one.

While in primary one, she was embracing the novelty of her new-found financial freedom by going "shopping" with her buddies at the Bookshop and coming home with new erasers and pencils every other day. This came to a complete halt when we told her that we will not be giving her anymore allowance if she continues to shop in this manner. I could totally relate to the joy of having new stationery, but I guess we need to teach her right values, right?

Save for one or two new eraser and pencil, Nic has since been pretty careful with her money, probably spending a dollar out of her daily $3.00 allowance. Anyway, Nic came home today telling me that she had spent "a lot" of money today. Hmm... as I was just going to start on my lecture on the virtues of thriftiness, blah blah blah...she told me she spent her allowance at the Wishing Well.

There is this little pond in St Nicks which the school calls the Wishing Well, and the kids (maybe adults too) have been throwing coins in the pond to make wishes.

On hearing that, the sceptic in me told her not to throw money into the pond anymore. But i just have to find out what she has wished for.

She had wished for Grandpa to recover, and come home soon...

Well,I hope her $2.00 wish will come true...

Heres the pic of the Wishing well

One Month

Its been exactly one month since we started on this rollercoaster ride which we are wondering when it could end. We did have a short reprieve when Papa was sent to the General Ward, but the joy was momentous and he was sent back to the ICU not long after, after catching an infection.

One of the doctors, Dr Chong spoke to us yesterday. They have been treating Papa with antibiotics for the blood infection, and it has come to a point where most of the antibiotics has been used with little improvement to Papa's condition. Papa has always made it known to us and the treatment team that he has a drug allegy to penicillin. We do not know what sort of reaction he will get if he takes this form of antibiotics. Nobody asked, I guess.

The treatment team thinks that Penicillin may be THE antibiotic that will do the trick. So being in the position we are in, we signed the consent form for the Docs to administer Penicillin on Papa. Dr Chong assure us that they will administer a small dosage initially to see if there is any form of side effects, and if there is no serious side effect, they will proceed with the treatment.

Papa however came down with a fever today, so the plan is put on hold. Right now, he is being intubated and sedated, and is drifting in and out of sleep. I know that Papa has been a really determined person, and he is fighting really hard. I just hope he can make it out of the ICU in time for his heart surgery.

What really broke my heart is when I saw the tears trickling down his face when we visited him this afternoon. Its really painful seeing him in this state.

Back on the Roller Coaster

Papa wasn't fit for surgery. While in the Isolation Room, his condition took a turn for the worse, and he was sent back to the ICU again. He may have caught an infection while he was in the general ward for that one day. He is back in the ICU again with pneumonia, low BP and water in the lungs. He has difficulty breathing and has to use an oxygen mask.

The docs had mentioned that Papa needs to do the surgery to repair / replace the heart valve quite urgently. Given Papa's condition, they are defitely not be able to go thru' the high risk surgery.

So what do we do now?

Pray hard and Hope for the Best

Meeting the Cut

Papa is in the Isolation Room now. The docs have been keeping him there for the last 3 days or so, to prep him for surgery. The blood infection he had previously have apparently damaged one of the heart valves. Papa is still pretty weak physically, and the docs didn't want him to catch any infection that will delay the surgery or cause further complications to his already fragile condition. He is scheduled for surgery tomorrow afternoon. Guess its gonna be a long long day tomorrow

2nd Chance

Thanks Everyone for your prayers and concern over the last two weeks or so, and Thanks for leaving kind words of encouragement in my blog :)

I guess Papa has been given a second shot at life. He was transferred to the General Ward yesterday. He does not need any breathing aid now. His legs are still weak, and he is practically immobile. I guess its a small miracle in itself as some people do not make it out of the ICU.

I guess after spending 15 days or so drifting in and out of sleep, he is a little confused at the moment, and probably not able to differentiate his dreams from reality. I believed he had pleasant dreams during that period, cos' right now, he thinks that he is a multi-millionaire, chairman of 2 companies and that he and mum will be shifting to their new home at the Caribbean after he leaves the hospital. And also for a while, he thought that he was actually being kidnapped, and held at ransom at the ICU. We have spoken to the Docs, and they say that it is ok, and he will probably "snap" out of it.

Other than these quirky thoughts, Papa is pretty much aware of what is happening, like the price he paid for certain shares he has in his portfolio, his stamps and coin collection, etc. He recognises all of us, and actually holds sensible conversation with us, though most of the time, he complains about boredom.

Its pretty funny at first. I have tried "bringing him down to earth", but he kept saying that he will settle his affairs when he is out of the hospital, and thats when I will believe him. I just hope that he will not be too disappointed when he realises that we are humble HDB dwellers. clinche as it may sound, though we are not multi-millionaires, we are comfortable, we are healthy, and we have each other.

And all that virtual millions that he apparently has does not mean anything to us...literally

1-866-RING-CAM Breast Exam video

I thought this is hilarious :)

Enjoy!

Goodbye, Shin Na

i have been following the blog entries of this very brave korean lady, Shin Na, who fought so courageously to stay alive for the love of her family, and her kids. She lost her battle with breast cancer on Tuesday, after 3 years.

I am going to miss reading her thoughts and her insights to many aspects of life.

May she rest in peace

Progress Report

Papa is making some progress though he is still hooked up to machines to help with his breathing. The docs have also reduced the amount of medication to boost his blood pressure now since he is able to maintain a stable BP. They have also reduced the amount of sedation, and Papa is awake most of the time. He is restless, and could get a little agitated. Not sure how much longer he needs to remain in the ICU. I don't think its anytime soon, but I am just grateful that he is making some progress

Roller Coaster

It has been quite a roller-coaster ride the past couple of days without the andrenaline rush and the thrill. Papa had his usual dialysis on Tuesday and Thursday. Instead of his usual 4 hour cycle, he is being hooked up for 8 hours cycle. The water in his lungs has been reduced. He is still intubated to aid with his breathing.

Despite that, he is not totally out of the woods. Through the x-rays, the doctors found shadows at one of the heart valves, which they suspect is the virus. They are still treating the blood infection with antibiotics, but with little effect. The Registrar on duty has spoken to Mum and Papa on the possibility of surgery, though it may posed some risk, given Papa's condition. We are now praying that the antibiotics will kick in, and be effective in treating the infection.

Though intubated, the docs has reduced the amount of sedation, and Papa is awake though he tends to drift off to sleep. He is unable to talk, and tries to communicate to us through writing using a marker and paper on clipboard. Its difficult to read his handwriting as they look like scrawls. He gets fustrated when we are unable to catch what he is trying to say. On a "lighter" note, he has expressed his desire to have his newspapers and TV. That is so like him.

Well, fingers crossed, and praying hard

Denial

Maybe I am in denial, but it is very difficult for me to accept that Papa is critically ill in the ICU. It is heart wrenching to see him all hooked up to the machines, with wires monitoring his vital stats, and tubes feeding him oxygen.


Papa had his Perm Cath removed on 12 January 2009. It was really a non-event. Mum accompanied him there, had it removed, and the happy couple then proceeded to have nasi padang at the hospital canteen. The next day, Mum found Papa having the chills, shivering and with a temperature of 39.3 degrees. An ambulance was summoned to send him to the hospital.


At the hospital, he was put up at the General ward. Though he was having some breathing difficulties, he seems relatively fine, except for the temperature that just wouldn't go down. The doctors believed that his infection probably came from the wound where Perm Cath was, as there were pus in the area. He was put on high doses of antibiotics with little improvement as his temperature remained.

On thursday, Papa went for his routine Dialysis treatment while in hospital. 1 hour into his treatment, he was suddenly gasping for air despite having his oxygen tubing. He was sedated and intubated to aid his breathing, and immediately transferred to the ICU.

We visited him today. He seems fine this afternoon. He had on a full face mask which was feeding him the oxygen. Though he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he was pretty much aware of the visitors that came to see him. When Mum asked him if he recognises her, he gasped weakly that she is "his darling ah pui". Mum was so tickled by this, and managed a smile despite her sadness.

In the evening, as we were spending our last couple of minutes with him before the visiting hours were over, his BP plunged. We were ushered out of the room, and the curtains to his room were drawn as the nurses and doctors attended to him.

Perhaps its my complacency, thinking Papa will be fine, and just like the last time, will be able to be discharged after a one night stay at the ICU, and will be fine after the dialysis. At the rate things are going, I am not very sure that it may happen. With the depressing doctor's report, and nurses' feedback, things are not looking too rosy at this point in time. He has erratic heartbeat, water in his lungs, and a stubborn infection in the blood, which doesn't seem to clear even with high doses of atibiotics that he is being put on.

My mind is kind of hazy right now. I am not too sure what to pray and hope for. Do I pray and hope that his suffering will end, he has afterall endure so much pain from his dialysis treatment. Is he suffering or in pain as he sleeps? I would like to think that he is so heavily sedated that he is feeling no pain. Do I pray for a miracle that he will pull through? Am I being selfish if I prayed that he will be able to walk out from the ICU just like the last time, and than back to his previous routine of thrice weekly treatment, and back to all those pain of having hugh needles going thru' his skin, and seeing him gasping for air when water gets retained in his lungs? I am not sure...I am so afraid to lose him...

He still has to have Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner with us. I am still hoping and praying.

Closure

The day of reckoning finally came. Did my CT and bone scans on the 02 Jan, and today is result day. As usual, i am nervous as hell. Thankfully, my condition remains the same, no new lesions. The previous lesions in the spine and pelvis have shown some improvement, yeah!

Got my jabs done today as well. My tiny veins haven't been in the "best condition". I had to be pricked 6 times by 3 different nurses, before they got lucky on the 7th attempt. I couldn't keep my composure, and started tearing at their 4th attempt. I felt bad for the nurses just as they felt bad not being able to set the drip. I hope this will not be a monthly affair :(

Anyway, got back from the hospital, and decided that I should do some packing. There's this stack of maternity clothes which i had when I was pregnant with Nic, sitting nicely folded on the top shelf of the wardrobe for the past 7 years. I could be quite a hoarder. I kept the nice pieces of clothing with the hope that I could use them again when Nic turns 2. It didn't happen, cos' I had to deal with the cancer problem before Nic even turn 2.

The stack of clothes remained in the wardrobe, as i looked forward to the 5 year mark when I could get off Tamoxifen and carry on with my original plan of procreating. It didn't happen, cos' the relapse happened. And now that I am in a medically induced menopausal state, the idea is now totally out of the window.

The clothes are packed and ready to be given away / disposed. I would like to give them away to a charity that helps unwed mothers if possible. Let me know if you know of any such charity.

In my wardrobe, there are some cute tiny size 10 and size 12 clothes which used to fit me when I was still slim. Perhaps someday, i will face up to the fact that I will never be like that anymore. Yes, I am still in denial!

A Brand New Year

I am always so optimistic what a New Year brings - new hopes, new dreams, new plans. I am just thanksful for what the New Year brings. It is also Mike's birthday. Yes, the whole world ushers in the new year with him, and celebrates with him. It also means that dining everywhere on the eve and actual day of his birthday is extra expensive. This happens every year, and we foresee that this practice will never change for years and years down the road.

Anyway, we celebrated the new year lazing about at home, followed by a buffet dinner at Kuishin Bo. It was a good spread with Sashimi, tempura, cooked food, and decent dessert spread.
An overall pleasant day