My hand in his

Its the wee hours of the morning right now, and i am exhausted from the long day at Papa's wake, but I thought I should take the time out now to pen down my memories of Papa's final days leading to his death on the 28 March 2009. I am so forgetfult these days, that I am so afraid that I may lose these precious memories

i have not been blogging much. I thought I should not jinx the improvements in Papa's condition in his final weeks. Papa's condition had improved following his discharge from the Isolation Ward after his recovery from shingles. Despite his really poor appetite, he was able to breathe on his own, his bp was stable, and more importantly, there was some small progress in his mobility. He was able to turn to the side when the nurses were changing or cleaning him. He was able to sit upright for a slightly longer time, and there were even occasions, where the nurses prep him up on the armchair for short duration of time. He was no longer talking about elephants and istanas, and seemed to be a pretty lucid state of mind. The doctors were even discussing with us regarding our future plans, and rehabilitation at a community hospital. These were small improvements, but we grew hopeful that perhaps we may be able to bring him home someday soon.

The last time I spent time with Papa was on Tuesday. As usual i brought him his favourite dessert, Gingko nut with barley, despite knowing very well that he will probably take 2 or 3 spoonful of it. I bought some chocolates for him as well, hoping that a little calorie and sugar will do him some good. Papa thought that Cadbury makes better chocolates. And as we bantered over which was a better brand of chocolates, he firmly held my hand for a moment. It was the same large hand with the firm grip that held mine as a child, the same hands that gave me so much reassurance as a little girl. It was an intimate moment, a feeling that will remain etched in my mind.

It had been an easy and comfortable afternoon chatting with Papa, something I wished I could savour it all over again. We chatted about many things, and he imparted many valuable advice on parenting and disciplining the child and forming life time friendships.

I just wish I could just turn back time, and relive those moments again, to enjoy my Papa's easy company, to feel his hands in mine, to hug him and to tell him that i love him so very much. Its painful, but we are only comforted that he is no longer in pain. Rest well, Papa