Revisiting - Going for New Implants

Its been a while since i visited or made an entry here. There were attempts to do so during the past one year to sit down and pen my thoughts. But words do not flow too easily these days. Guess i have been bitten by the Writer's Block.

The last few months had been really really crazy. We finally ... after a long delay of 1 year and a massive massive clean-up, got started on the renovation works at my mum's place. Yes, it is way overdued, and through the tears, angry words and drama, the place is finally ready to be renovated. It is no easy task getting there, with almost 20 years worth of stuff, clothing, junk and what mum calls treasures and memories. Mum is a hoarder, and that explains the drama that have been going on for the past couple of months.

Through it all, we did find a stack of letters that Dad wrote to her when he was working overseas, while Mum, as a new mother, stayed on in Singapore. Those letters, yellowed with age, and somewhat brittle, brought back a flood of memories as Mum reads them over again. She found comfort and solace reading them as she felt Dad's concern and love through the words he penned so many years ago.

I found many letters and cards from my dear friends who would drop me a letter periodically during those days they were overseas. I used to look forward to receving their letters, and enjoyed reading about their days in the university and what they have been up to. I guess in this day of electronic age, hardly anyone writes a letter or sends a card. Nothing beats the feeling of holding those hand-written letters in pretty stationery, and the anticipation and delight of receiving them in the postbox. And its also a good excuse to stock up on all those pretty paper and envelopes and stickers.

Health wise, i am not sure if i am doing too well. About 2 months back (August), i had some episodes of breathlessness, and while sleeping, i vividly remembered being out of breath and gasping for air. It felt like a nightmare, but i awoke still feeling breathless and perspiring.
I brought up this issue to the Docs in NUH whom i am under their care. Foreign talent doctor listened intently and increased my dosage for some medicine. Check my blood pressure, gave me new prescriptions, and bid me goodbye - we will see you in 6 months time.

The breathlessness didn't go away. I still have those bad dreams and waking up gasping for air.
And so, i decided to listen to that little voice in my head, and made an appointment to see another Doc at the National Heart Centre. I cannot wait another 6 months, can i afford to? And the little voice in my head has proved itself right again. Things are not looking too good. The echo done last year has a EF reading of 38% (moderate), but its condition has decline to 29%. A normal person has a EF reading of 40-50%. In Doc's words, i am at risk for "sudden cardiac death". er....i wasn't really expecting that. I didn't even come prepared with the extra pair of ears (my hubby) to listen to him say that. And so , i receive the news ... alone...

I was pretty calm, and there were no tears. It was like deva ju yet again. The Doc was kind, and his tone was calm, when he delivered the verdict, but I guess whichever way he delivers the news, bad news is still bad news.

And so, the Docs have recommended that that I get an ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator) implantation. Its a small device, the size of a pager with wires threaded through the veins into the heart. It will help stimulate the heart to restore a normal rhythm, and will give an electric shock to reset the heartbeat if the heart stops beating. macham like battery.

I will be going for the procedure next week. I have been waiting anxiously for the past 2 weeks. I was so afriaid that something will happen before i could go for the procedure. It will be very "sway" if it did. And so i have been trying to be very very calm. Didn't let the little things ruffle my feathers.

So now, praying that the procedure will be successful. Pray i don't get a heart attack while on the opearting table (10%) and that the doc can find the vital veins to hook up the wires (some 5% folks do not have that vein, according to docs. i hope i am not one of them)

And so, i will be out of action at Little Gems for a while, while i get my new implants....a battery operated heart (?)

PS. If you are a family friend or relative reading this blog, please do not ask my mum about my condition. My exact condition has been sugar-coated, so she does not know the full extent.

Sharing with the World

What would you do if you come down with a life threatening disease, like cancer?

See a doctor, get treated, keep a blog...and keep on living

Some people would like to share their journey, others like to keep it private. Its a personal decision and choice...afterall there will be many sensitive issues that will be broached. And you just never know who is on the other end, reading about your journey, your thoughts.

I guess its rare to find a blog to read, and like a craving keeps you wanting to come back for more. Over the past couple of years, there are a couple of blogs which I had been keeping tabs on. These blog owners are living with cancer. As I connected with these wonderful ladies, who had reached out through their blogs, sharing with readers the most sensitive and intimate details about their treatment, their life, their thoughts, I made a conscious effort to keep tabs on their blogs. Its like a sisterhood built on the disease that we all share, and its through their words of wisdom that I learned more about the disease and how to deal with it in my daily routine. Their words are often inspiring and would never fail to lift a tired spirit.

While some blogs appeared to have been abandoned or not updated after a period of time, it could probably be that the blog owners got bored with the novelty of blogging. However, more often than not, the blog owners may simply not be around anymore. Over time, I have learned to accept that, my favourite blog reads will no longer be updated, and even if they are updated, the spirit and essence of the original writer will no longer be present in the words on the blog.

As my list of favourite blog reads whittle with the passing of each brave sister, I really do not know what to do with my list. Do I leave their blogs on my favourite list, knowing that nothing new will be posted. There will be no updates on their life, about where they are, or what they are doing. Or do I whittle my list to those still living.

At this point in time, the list remains. simply because I still want to remember...

Soul Food

I know, i know... I am late again in posting my pics from the road trip.

We arrive home safely to a whole barrage of emails and orders to fulfil. Now that those are cleared up, I realised that the Zoombrowser program for downloading pics from my Ixus canon is misssing from the PC. Hmm....no one else at home touches my pc except me, so it must be no one else but me who had probably deleted the program or something. And plus the fact the right click for my mouse is not working too. .. oh well, will get these fixed some day.


I thought I should blog about a refreshing, not gastronomical lunch experience we had today. We needed to settle some legal matters at the Lawyer's office down at Furama today. We were early and decided to have lunch at People's Park Centre. We came by this dim sum restaurant called Breakthrough Cafe located on the 1st level.

Breakthrough cafe is run by a Christian based aftercare association that provides skills to former prisoners who have difficulty finding jobs because of their record. Many of the waiters sport fierce looking tattoos under their polo tee uniform, but service was really good, if I had to compare the service we received from a popular family restaurant that servces ice cream. The waiters were prompt to seat us, gave us our order sheet, and patiently waited to take our orders. Our food came promptly, no necessity to remind.

We also witnessed how a waiter react to a customer (the flashy tai tai with big hair, and just as big bling blings) who complained about the half boiled eggs not being done in the way she like it. I would have been really pissed at the way the lady talked down to the waiter, but he took the offending eggs away, and upon replacing the eggs, the lady told him that she did not want it anymore.

What amazes us is not so much the food, but the attitude of the staff. They seem just happy to be able to serve, and this joy seems to radiated towards their work attitude. Having had our fair share of sulky faced waiters and waitresses, and even sarcastic restaurant managers, what greeted us at this restaurant was indeed a refreshing change.

About the food, Breakthrough Cafe servces coffee shop type of food and tim sum at reasonable prices. We had the pei tan porridge, har kao, siew mai. All were delicious and so were the coffee and tea, whch were professionally done. All these served in a nice, clean, air-conditioned with nice furniture. Nicer than kopi tiam

So, if you are in the vicinity, drop by the restaurant. Give it a try, give them a shot!

Breakthrough Cafe is located at:
101 Upper Cross Street #01-02 People's Park's Centre

Wishing ... Hoping...

When the docs first started me on the oral drug tamoxifen in 2004 for my cancer, I took it in stride. I knew I had to go on the drug, and hope for the best that it doesn't come back again. The docs said 5 years, you only need to take the drugs for 5 years, and this will increase your chance of survival by another 50%. Well, I Will try all means to survive, and exhaust all means of medication and treatment, just so that I can live. At that point in time, I could see myself 5 years later, living well, and more importantly, we wanted to resume some normalcy in our lives, we wanted to try for another baby. I was focused, and determined as I felt I had a "mission to procreate".


It would have been 5 years of drug taking this year. Alas, that wasn't meant to be as IT came back again last year, and that dashed all hopes of ever conceiving again, and my dream of having another child. I had to put my dreams aside, and again focus on getting well again. I am now on Zoladex which suppresses the ovaries from producing oestrogen. I am technically in menopause right now....and I will never have another child.

I have sort of faced up to the fact, but would sometimes catch myself gazing at babies and toddlers, and smiling to myself. I hope their mummies don't think i am psychotic ...haha... Recently two of my best friends got pregnant. I am definitely happy for them, and couldn't wait for their births.


Anyway, if I can't have a baby, I want one of these ...



These are available on Ebay. These are called "Reborn Dolls" These are not toys, but collector items, and to me a fine work of art. They look so life like, and so pretty. I wouldn't mind having one of these, though it will never be the same as having a real baby in your arms. I think some may think its a little freakish cos' the doll is so life-like .... (like a relative, she kept saying that the doll we gave her daughter two christmases ago was so life-like, its scary, her daughter can't sleep with the doll in her bedroom, blah blah...hello, its a christmas present, just say thank you and shut up!)