Did i mention that i am getting new titanium implants?

Ok, so i didn't get the implants in October 2011. By some strange twist of events, the operation was cancelled, and because my holiday schedule clashes with the surgeon's busy year end calendar, the surgery was postponed to.....gasp! 05 Jan 2012!! Glad i didn't suffer a "sudden cardiac death" while waiting...

It was nerve racking, initially. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to go ahead with the crazy holiday plans that we made months ago before i was aware of my situation. We were heading to Taiwan for 10 days in November and Hong kong for 4 days in December, and there were two staycations in between. I would suffer major losses if i were to cancel these trips. Too late to cancel. I wasn't too sure if i wanted to be caught in a situation either while in a foreign land. With the issue of breathlessness, i wasn't too sure if it will be safe to fly. What happens if i collapse? Will i be saved in time? So many questions, so many fears!!

With the doctor's name card, medication, a printout of my medical history in my bag, and faith in God, we decided to packed our bags and go ahead with our vacation plans.

I guess the mind is the strangest of all things. And of course, the power of prayers. I made it through these trips and back, and feeling better than ever. Perhaps its the worry free days of reckless shopping, dining, sight seeing and great company...Perhaps I am away from the stress of our daily routine, the renovation problems ... Or perhaps, its just not my time yet.

I am glad we went ahead with the plans despite the risk, and i could gladly say that the days spent on vacation will be cherished memories.

And so, tomorrow will marked another new chapter in my life...living with a defillabrator with the hope of buying some more time. Hope its a worthwhile purchase!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Hope it has been a good start to 2012. It has been for me. I am still feeling the adrenaline rush :)

You know your little girl is no longer little when....

...she tells you that her classmate R has her first period, and she found out about it on .... gasp! Facebook!!

Yes, Nic's classmate R had her first period recently, and decided to share her experience with her peers on her facebook account, not realising that what transcends between her friends and herself on the Wall are all out there for the world to gawk!

And so with that, we had the Talk. She had asked about the Whisper and Kotex ads that were airing on TV, and I had explained briefly about it. Well, this time round, we went into specifics, like what happens, dealing with it, the inconveniences, keeping track of it, etc...woman to girl.

I found this on the web, if anyone of you mommies has problem having the Talk.

Everything you can possibly think of, ranging from books, disposable panties, starter kit, they have it here. Pretty helpful site for inspiration as to what your little girl would probably need to deal with her first period.

Well, I am glad I had the chance to talk to her about it. Its never too early to talk to her about it, though Nic has just turned 9, and still pretty much a kid. Her classmate R will only turn 10 in March'11, which makes her technically 9 years old when she had her first period. I guess girls these days are hitting puberty at a much younger age. Not a good sign, as there had been researches on breast cancer being linked to early puberty.

And so with that Talk, we had another conversation. And that is the power of the social media, and how certain things should just stay discreet...

Moving On

I should have written about this earlier. The results for the androgram is that there isn't any blockages in the heart. (yay!) And so, they were spot on what they had anticipated about my condition. The cardiologist prescribed some medication that is suppose to slow down the pulse rate, and which will improve my heart's condition. So yes, more pills added to my pill box. Wish they have some nice fancy pillbox to make my day. i am currently using the Daiso ones. Functional and cheap. But i think i deserve something fancier...haha...and so, one more reason to go shopping.

And oh, i found this while surfing, and thought this is just so meaningful

The Cross

The young man was at the end of the rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees and prayed.

"Lord, I can't go on," he prayed. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "Son, If you can't bear its weight, just place your cross in this room. Then, go to the other room, and pick up any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible.

Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more blessed than you imagine

************** Author unknown ************

the Mind is Willing...But the Heart is Weak

Well, who would have thought that what probably had save my life years ago, had probably been slowly creeping up on me, and little by little stolen my heart.

Yes, the docs did mention the list of side effects of the chemotheraphy. The part about losing the hair and puking registered, but i guess i totally forgot what the chemo drugs could do to my heart. I guess that was the last thing on my mind when the imminent danger was the cancer.

I was due for my routine bone jabs last week. While waiting for the drugs to be ready, the nurses checked my vital stats, and found my pulse rate racing at 122 beats per minute. All these checks done while i was leisurely reading a magazine on the recliner. Subsequent readings hover around 100+ beats per minute. Not normal. ECG was ordered, and then the ECHO.

What really freaked me out is when the attending nurse asked if i needed a wheelchair or if i am feeling faint. They looked at me as if i am going to pass out any moment. Even the doc reminded me to check myself into the Emergency Department if i don't feel well. Thats when panic mode set in. Hmm, not normal.

Anyway, the week went by uneventfully with zero episodes of fainting or breathlessness, racing heartbeat, yes. Saw the Cardiologist today. Not good news. The heart is now weaker. I am now scheduled for andriogram in 2 weeks time, after i am back from my trip. The docs are quite certain that cause of the weaker heart could be due to the chemo but they are not going to rule out blockages in the artery. Either way, i now have a weaker heart, that is .

I am going on a vacation tomorrow. Hopefully it will mend my heart a little

Looks like December is going to be a busy month

hmm...

My poor neglected blog. I have just been so caught up with the goodness of life that I guess i have neglected my little outlet of solace.



Things have been great and I am enjoying the quiet joy of my life right now. I just had my scans done last week. As usual, the days creeping up to the scan day is filled with anxiety and restlessness. And as Dr Lee deliver my "unremarkable" scan results, it was a great relief. I never knew "unremarkable" results could sound so good.

On the homefront, Mike has taken on a newfound passion in photography. He has invested money on a DSLR, and time on photography courses and photo-taking outings. Well, at least someone in the family can now take great photos. Definitely beats me in my pathetic photo taking skills using my point and shoot camera ANYTIME!


As for Nic, she seems to be growing up quite a bit. She enjoys listening to pop music, and enjoys artiste like Justin Bieber (eeks!), Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus. She uploads their music to her Ipod Touch (her weekend toy), and listens to their music with the earpiece plug in, oblivious to everything and everyone.

Class work now include group projects, and the girls would arrange to go to each others home for group work and afterwhich they will be just "hanging out" (till we pick her up). And she is 8 (turning 9 in dec). Maybe i was a late bloomer, but I don't remember hanging out with my school friends at their home that young. I was still playing barbie dolls at my neighbour's home then. i really can't imagine how much she has grown. She is a baby no more. I couldn't help but fill a little tinge of sadness at how the years have gone by. But I couldn't help but be very thankful that I can be around for her as she grows each day.

Till the next update ...

We are almost fully dressed

Yes! We are almost done!

It has been pretty fun re-doing the blog, with loads of free stuff available online. There are endless resources out there in the WWW. It was a little tough going for me at first, as I had zero HTML training and graphic designing skills. Everything was picked up from online tutorials and I guess with a little hard work and patience, I managed to churn out a decent looking blog. *Pat myself on the back*

And now for the commitment part. With the shell in place, I guess I would need to be more discipline to get this blog rolling....

We have been Married 10 years!

Well, 10 years ago, I said yes to someone's suggestion to register for a HDB flat...I know, its kind of lame, but I thought "why not". He's a nice decent fella, good career, though a wee bit older than me. But oh well, i tend to have an inclination towards older man, anyway :P

And so, we took a leap of faith and went on to register our marriage, and said our vows on this day, 10 years ago. Thinking of it, I am kinda of blown away. Those 10 years hadn't been the smoothest journey of sort. We stuck it out, we honour our vows, we learn to accept each other's idiosyncracies and quirkiness, but more importanly, we learn to live with each other without tearing each other's hair out.

To my pillar of strength and love of my life, Happy 10th Anniversary!

I love this video clip from the movie "UP". I could watch this video over and video again, and it still brings on the tears.

All clear! Yeah!

Saw the doc yesterday, who delivered the results slip with a big smile. Yes, the results are stable. So, that means i have another 6 months worth of restful worry-free living, at least till the next scan comes round the corner in June.

Thank God

Kampate!

You know how sometimes I get so caught up with the hustle and bustle of daily life that I do forget that I have health issues. I have been well, thank you very much, and am enjoying my life, mundane as it may be. Well, tomorrow, i will be reminded yet again why i have so much to be thankful for.

I am due for my half-yearly scans tomorrow. Yes, I will arrive at the hospital early in the morning to have my blood drawn, radioactive isotope injected into me, and bladder filled up with some strange tasting liquid disguised as orange juice which will light up any lurking cancer cells in my abdomen.

Plug all set, Ready for the long day

LooK, i am Radioactive! Neon bracelet to warn people to stay away!

Outdated magazine that kept me entertained

The yucky drink that they made me drink. Bad aftertaste!

Despite having done these scans countless times, it just doesn't get any easier each time. I still get apprehensive when nurses couldn't find my veins to draw copious amount of blood for testing. I still close my eyes each time they pierced the needles through my skin. And lying there on the cold steel bed with the scanner machine just inches away from my face, i feel clastraphobic, and my heart beats a little faster each time, and i just want to scream, "get me out of here!". When more angles are required for certain region of my body, i get worried, despite the nurses reassuring me that they just want a better look. A better look at what? Did you see something that is not suppose to be there? At the end of the scans, i avoid looking at the nurses' eyes. While thay are cold and mechanical most of the time, I fear looking into their eyes and seeing the look of pity at having found something that will cripple my chances of surviving another month, another year.

Tomorrow will be a day that will serve as a reminder on the fragility of my life, and the many aspects of my life i should be thankful for.

ok, going to bed now. Its going to be a long long day tomorrow, and I am doing it alone ... should be ok. Been there, done that! Kampate!

New Year, New Hope, New Dreams

This is taking me a little longer to write. Its the second day of the New Year, and here I am still reflecting on the year past, and thinking in anticipation about what the New Year beckons. 2009 had started out a really rocky and bumpy ride. As we cruised along the winding road, what started out as a really tough journey, has worked its way around, and I have come off the journey a more mature individual, blessed in many ways.

The past year had been a year of some really low Lows...my Papa's passing, and a friend's passing not long after. Angie's passing affected me as we were on the same treatment regime. While the drugs helped in my healing process, it didn't for her. I shuddered to think of the fragility of life and at the back of my mind, there will always be a lingering thought of "What if it didn't work". The tears has somewhat dried, as i think of Papa and Angie more often during happier moments, rather than those sad days when they were ill.

There were of course many high points in the year where the moments of joy and simple happiness I relished, like watching Nic grow. Sharing her pride and joy, when she scored a Band 1 for Mathematics, after much hard work. She deserved it! Watching her marvel with amazement at the sight of snow for the very first time, going on her first roller coaster ride, and making new friends while we were on tour. Nic amazes me all the time, with the amount of energy and zest she has...it just makes me want to keep up with her...all the time!

Looking back at 2009, the year hasn't been all that bad....really

I do not really like the idea of planning too far ahead just in case i jinx my good fortunes. I have learned to live my life, making plans for the year ahead, never on a 5 year plan basis.

So in the year 2010, i am going to live my life like i did in 2009...to the fullest.

Today, I Celebrate...

Today, I celebrate the birthday of my first born, my baby girl. Well, you are a baby girl no more. You are growing up just so quickly. Who would have thought that you are turning 8 today! My goodness...how time flies!

And as I relish in the joy of being your mummy and buddy (she has developed a habit of putting her arm round our shoulder, and going "My buddy"), I am just so glad to be around to help you blow out the candles on the cake.

Well, Happy Birthday, Sweetie! May all your wishes come true

I wish...I wish..

As I read with great sadness the turn of events in Fleur's life, I shudder to think that this is the road that I will tread to my eventual end. This year has been quite a ride. While I relish in the joy of stable results for my condition, I am somehow emotionally affected by the number of deaths in my virtual community of cancer survivors.

Yes, my virtual friends, fellow survivors are dying or who have since passed on. With great disappointment and despair, none seem to have survived beyong 10 years of their metstasis diagnosis, from my observations. Is this how my life is going to turn out? Its been 2 years since my metstasis diagnosis. How much more time do I have? I know I do not have the luxury of time on my side, but I wish I know...

As I reflect on the long and arduous journey that I have travelled so far, I am thankful for the years that i have been blessed with - being my "new normal". Foggy brain, squeaky joints, achy breaky back, compromised sexuality, an expanding waistline, and more recently, signs of degeneration in the bones of my feet - the results of chemo treatments, radiaition and years of drug use define my "new normal". Yes, this is my life now...

Do I wish for life before? Yes, I do. But I harbour a desire for greater things, a better tomorrow...if only there are many many tomorrows coming my way...

With that thought in mind, I am planning for my next vacation...

Argh! I caught a bug too!

Nic's temperature has been yo-yo-ing between 38.1 to 39.1 degree the whole nite. She is feverish, and complains of being cold. Poor girl, her lips were almost purplish, and she was shivering. Fever medication helps, but once it wears off, her temperature just goes up again :(

As for me, i am just feeling lethargic, and i have this nagging pain on my rib (the one with the lesion on my left lower rib) which makes turning painful. check my temperature, and it says 37.9.

Well, nothing but the good ol' panadol, which helps with the pain and fever...

Still having issues with the menu. Nic doesn't like porridge, so its gonna be a soupy week ahead with soup for most the meals.

sigh...

We are going on a Road trip!

With the Swine Flu scare going around, we are paranoid about flying. We heard so much about the poor air quality in the plane cabin, and didn't want to catch any kind of flu, swine flu or not.

We have limited options. We have been to Bintan 3 times in the past 2 years already. Batam isn't a choice destination, and Sentosa feels too close to home.

And so we are packing our bags, and driving up to Malaysia! Yes, our friendly neighbour. We will be driving up to Kualar Lumpur, cameron highlands and Malacca...

And so the journey starts early tomorrow morning, and clinche as it may sound, its not the destination that matters but the journey to get there...whatever!

Taking it Lying Down

Just back from treatment today. Its been a long day, literally, just waiting for my turn. I can't imagine the number of people who need to turn up for treatment today. Its terrible, isn't it? I don't mean the crowd, but rather the terrible fact that there are so many people who are stricken with the disease. There were not enough reclining seats in the treatment area, and i ended up having to have my infusion done lying down on a hospital bed. Hmmm....first time getting treatment lying down...I hope its not bad luck! Hahaha

So much for now. Pretty tired from all that waiting. Gonna turn in early tonight.

I Made It Through Another Year!

Yeah! One more candle on the cake, one whole year to be thankful for!

Yes, I have turned a year older at the stroke of midnight. Its a quiet day with a simple lunch at Ivin's and dinner at Jack's Place. I didn't have to prepare dinner tonight, so thats a good thing for me. No presents from Nic, cos its exam season, and "she don't have time to draw a card". Its ok, Nic, just do well in your exams, thats the best-est present I would ever ask for. Mike got me a netbook. Small, and fits nicely into my tote. What else could I ask for? :)

Its a bittersweet day. I couldn't help but miss my papa a little more on this day. I miss going out with him for our birthday dinners at the East Coast Seafood Centre. I missed the quiet walks along the beach after these dinners. I just simply missed his presence...even more today


It didn't help that a dear friend passed away not too long ago. Even though we have not known each other for too long, I couldn't help but miss her. Its not too often that I am able to meet someone who is able to click with you, who understands the situation that we are in and the predicament we are in. Who else would understand the frustration of our forgetfulness and being "mentally slow"? Having said that, i am glad I am still able to solve Primary 2 problem sums :) they are not very easy these days.

I am looking forward to the year ahead. It has been 5 years 10 months since the initial cancer diagnosis, 1 year 10 months since the relapse. Life has been good, and I am looking forward to more :)

Rest Well, My Chemo Buddy

I met Angie at the Cancer Centre sometime back in early 2008. I just had my first round of Zometa and Zoladex regime, and we were introduced by the nurse when Angie wanted to find out more about the regime i was on. We hit it off pretty quickly, exchanged phone numbers and had been in touch since. We often scheduled our chemo sessions about the same time so that we could do lunch after our sessions.

Angie was diagnosed with advanced breast and bone cancer in February 2006. She went through the standard treatment regime of chemotheraphy and radiation. She was starting out on her Zometa infusion when I first met her. Her health condition took a turn for the worse in the last quarter of 2008. The cancer had spread quickly to her liver and lungs, and yet she fought on courageously. During one of our last conversations in January, she told me that she has resigned herself to fate, and that she probably may not be able to see Christmas this year.

Today, I lost another dear friend to the deadly and unpredictable disease. She leaves behing 3 lovely children aged 4 to 11 years old. To those who do not know her, Angie will be a sad statistic, a number to be added and tabulated into graphs and tables, an unknown individual who was unfortuante enough to have caught the disease. To those who know her, she was a bright and beautiful lady with a generous heart and a warm personality.

Angie, you are going be missed.
Rest well in the arms of Jesus

Preparedness

We finally settled with a lawyer to handle Papa's estate. Papa passed without leaving a will. He had assumed that whatever assets he had will be automatically transferred to the next of kin, namely my mum and myself. He refused to talk about stuff like these, as he felt that its taboo to talk about death when "all is well". We left it as that, as we didn't want to prode further about such matters.

On hindsight, if he had prepared a will, which would cost $150 - $400, we probably may not need to spend $2500 in legal fees to settle the matter. The lawyer has advised us that with disbursements, and other miscellaneous charges, the final bill will be in the range of around $3500. Not to mention that the entire process will take 6-8 months.

Having to go through this, I saw the importance of getting the will done. In fact, i have been "thinking" of getting it done for the longest time, but the procrasinator in me got the better of me. Mike and myself have given it some thought, and we will be getting it done soon. We are definitely concern about who gets our money, assets, hamsters, etc when we are gone, but what we are concerned with is who is going to care for Nic in the event of our untimely exit. Lots of thoughts went into this decision, but we are pretty sure THEY will make great subsitute parents.

On the note of preparedness, Nic will be sitting for her first exams in the second week of May. I am beginning to realise that i am nagging a lot these days, especially as the exam week grew closer. I am not expecting her to be topping the class...mediocre is ok with me...but please don't sink to the bottom of the lot....sigh...

The Dust has Settled ... Somewhat

Its been slightly more than a week since Papa passed. We are picking up the pieces where we left off. There seems lots of stuff settle, especially since Papa did not leave a will. Right now, we are also packing the house. Perhaps we will be moving to Mum's place eventually. Not now, but eventually.

On the 7th day of Papa's passing, a large beautiful brown moth came and settled itself in the kitchen. While as Christians, we believe that Papa is safe in God's embrace, there's hearsay that moths are loved ones, who have passed on, coming to visit. I would like to think that Papa has found his way home...

Papas's Wake (29 Mar-31 Mar) & Funeral (01 Apr)

Planning Papa's wake was like planning a big party. It was a celebration of his life, so we felt he that he should deserve the somewhat the best. Papa had left instructions that he would want to have his wake at the Singapore Casket, and so it shall be. It helped that the staff at the Singapore Casket were helpful, knowledgable and ever so obliging.

The photo that was supposed to be used was taken while Papa was on a cruise holiday. It was one of Mum's favourite photo as it showed him smiling and in better times and health. The glossy photo however got "pasted" onto the glass covering. Not sure how they guys did it, but they managed to reproduce the photo that we so loved into a larger picture.

It was a surreal experience, planning his wardrobe, choosing the coffin and the flowers, the buffet menu for the guests who came for the wake and the hymms for Papa's wake and funeral service. Papa wore the mandarin collared suit he wore for my wedding, looking really distinguished. With him in his coffin were his a couple of his favourite Hawaiian shirts, his walking stick and his harmonica to accompany him in his final journey Home.

Many people turned up for the wake, among whom were our old neighbours when we were living in Sims Drive more than 20 years ago. They remembered Papa as a jovial guy with many stories and jokes to tell. The nurses from NKF Teck Whye, who had nursed Papa 3 times a week for the last 6 years also came to pay their last respect. There were hardly a dry eye as one of the nurses Glory told of how grateful she is to Papa for giving her the confidence she has as a nurse now.

When Glory first started out as a young nurse, it was Papa who told her that if she was able to needle him, she would be able to needle any other patient. I would have scrambled for safety if I am to receive any needling from any young inexperienced nurses! While going thru' dialysis treatment, Papa often asked about Glory's father, who is presently in a comatose state due to illness. He was such a sweet fellow...

Thanks Felicia & Jef, the 2 wreaths were really beautiful.

On the day of the funeral, we arranged for the hearse to make a short detour back to Papa's home in Choa Chu Kang on route to the Mandai Crematorium. I hope Papa managed to find his way home.

At the Mandai crematorium, a short service was held with eulogy from myself and one of Papa's sister. Despite my anxiety about not being able to compose myself, I guess I did myself proud by not stammering or breaking into tears. Afterwhich, Papa was cremated at 1145 hrs.

Papa's final resting place is at the Church of St Francis Assissi at Boon Lay.

May he rest in peace.