Wishing ... Hoping...

When the docs first started me on the oral drug tamoxifen in 2004 for my cancer, I took it in stride. I knew I had to go on the drug, and hope for the best that it doesn't come back again. The docs said 5 years, you only need to take the drugs for 5 years, and this will increase your chance of survival by another 50%. Well, I Will try all means to survive, and exhaust all means of medication and treatment, just so that I can live. At that point in time, I could see myself 5 years later, living well, and more importantly, we wanted to resume some normalcy in our lives, we wanted to try for another baby. I was focused, and determined as I felt I had a "mission to procreate".


It would have been 5 years of drug taking this year. Alas, that wasn't meant to be as IT came back again last year, and that dashed all hopes of ever conceiving again, and my dream of having another child. I had to put my dreams aside, and again focus on getting well again. I am now on Zoladex which suppresses the ovaries from producing oestrogen. I am technically in menopause right now....and I will never have another child.

I have sort of faced up to the fact, but would sometimes catch myself gazing at babies and toddlers, and smiling to myself. I hope their mummies don't think i am psychotic ...haha... Recently two of my best friends got pregnant. I am definitely happy for them, and couldn't wait for their births.


Anyway, if I can't have a baby, I want one of these ...



These are available on Ebay. These are called "Reborn Dolls" These are not toys, but collector items, and to me a fine work of art. They look so life like, and so pretty. I wouldn't mind having one of these, though it will never be the same as having a real baby in your arms. I think some may think its a little freakish cos' the doll is so life-like .... (like a relative, she kept saying that the doll we gave her daughter two christmases ago was so life-like, its scary, her daughter can't sleep with the doll in her bedroom, blah blah...hello, its a christmas present, just say thank you and shut up!)