i have been following the blog entries of this very brave korean lady, Shin Na, who fought so courageously to stay alive for the love of her family, and her kids. She lost her battle with breast cancer on Tuesday, after 3 years.
I am going to miss reading her thoughts and her insights to many aspects of life.
May she rest in peace
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Progress Report
Papa is making some progress though he is still hooked up to machines to help with his breathing. The docs have also reduced the amount of medication to boost his blood pressure now since he is able to maintain a stable BP. They have also reduced the amount of sedation, and Papa is awake most of the time. He is restless, and could get a little agitated. Not sure how much longer he needs to remain in the ICU. I don't think its anytime soon, but I am just grateful that he is making some progress
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Roller Coaster
It has been quite a roller-coaster ride the past couple of days without the andrenaline rush and the thrill. Papa had his usual dialysis on Tuesday and Thursday. Instead of his usual 4 hour cycle, he is being hooked up for 8 hours cycle. The water in his lungs has been reduced. He is still intubated to aid with his breathing.
Despite that, he is not totally out of the woods. Through the x-rays, the doctors found shadows at one of the heart valves, which they suspect is the virus. They are still treating the blood infection with antibiotics, but with little effect. The Registrar on duty has spoken to Mum and Papa on the possibility of surgery, though it may posed some risk, given Papa's condition. We are now praying that the antibiotics will kick in, and be effective in treating the infection.
Though intubated, the docs has reduced the amount of sedation, and Papa is awake though he tends to drift off to sleep. He is unable to talk, and tries to communicate to us through writing using a marker and paper on clipboard. Its difficult to read his handwriting as they look like scrawls. He gets fustrated when we are unable to catch what he is trying to say. On a "lighter" note, he has expressed his desire to have his newspapers and TV. That is so like him.
Well, fingers crossed, and praying hard
Despite that, he is not totally out of the woods. Through the x-rays, the doctors found shadows at one of the heart valves, which they suspect is the virus. They are still treating the blood infection with antibiotics, but with little effect. The Registrar on duty has spoken to Mum and Papa on the possibility of surgery, though it may posed some risk, given Papa's condition. We are now praying that the antibiotics will kick in, and be effective in treating the infection.
Though intubated, the docs has reduced the amount of sedation, and Papa is awake though he tends to drift off to sleep. He is unable to talk, and tries to communicate to us through writing using a marker and paper on clipboard. Its difficult to read his handwriting as they look like scrawls. He gets fustrated when we are unable to catch what he is trying to say. On a "lighter" note, he has expressed his desire to have his newspapers and TV. That is so like him.
Well, fingers crossed, and praying hard
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Denial
Maybe I am in denial, but it is very difficult for me to accept that Papa is critically ill in the ICU. It is heart wrenching to see him all hooked up to the machines, with wires monitoring his vital stats, and tubes feeding him oxygen.
Papa had his Perm Cath removed on 12 January 2009. It was really a non-event. Mum accompanied him there, had it removed, and the happy couple then proceeded to have nasi padang at the hospital canteen. The next day, Mum found Papa having the chills, shivering and with a temperature of 39.3 degrees. An ambulance was summoned to send him to the hospital.
At the hospital, he was put up at the General ward. Though he was having some breathing difficulties, he seems relatively fine, except for the temperature that just wouldn't go down. The doctors believed that his infection probably came from the wound where Perm Cath was, as there were pus in the area. He was put on high doses of antibiotics with little improvement as his temperature remained.
On thursday, Papa went for his routine Dialysis treatment while in hospital. 1 hour into his treatment, he was suddenly gasping for air despite having his oxygen tubing. He was sedated and intubated to aid his breathing, and immediately transferred to the ICU.
We visited him today. He seems fine this afternoon. He had on a full face mask which was feeding him the oxygen. Though he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he was pretty much aware of the visitors that came to see him. When Mum asked him if he recognises her, he gasped weakly that she is "his darling ah pui". Mum was so tickled by this, and managed a smile despite her sadness.
In the evening, as we were spending our last couple of minutes with him before the visiting hours were over, his BP plunged. We were ushered out of the room, and the curtains to his room were drawn as the nurses and doctors attended to him.
Perhaps its my complacency, thinking Papa will be fine, and just like the last time, will be able to be discharged after a one night stay at the ICU, and will be fine after the dialysis. At the rate things are going, I am not very sure that it may happen. With the depressing doctor's report, and nurses' feedback, things are not looking too rosy at this point in time. He has erratic heartbeat, water in his lungs, and a stubborn infection in the blood, which doesn't seem to clear even with high doses of atibiotics that he is being put on.
My mind is kind of hazy right now. I am not too sure what to pray and hope for. Do I pray and hope that his suffering will end, he has afterall endure so much pain from his dialysis treatment. Is he suffering or in pain as he sleeps? I would like to think that he is so heavily sedated that he is feeling no pain. Do I pray for a miracle that he will pull through? Am I being selfish if I prayed that he will be able to walk out from the ICU just like the last time, and than back to his previous routine of thrice weekly treatment, and back to all those pain of having hugh needles going thru' his skin, and seeing him gasping for air when water gets retained in his lungs? I am not sure...I am so afraid to lose him...
He still has to have Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner with us. I am still hoping and praying.
Papa had his Perm Cath removed on 12 January 2009. It was really a non-event. Mum accompanied him there, had it removed, and the happy couple then proceeded to have nasi padang at the hospital canteen. The next day, Mum found Papa having the chills, shivering and with a temperature of 39.3 degrees. An ambulance was summoned to send him to the hospital.
At the hospital, he was put up at the General ward. Though he was having some breathing difficulties, he seems relatively fine, except for the temperature that just wouldn't go down. The doctors believed that his infection probably came from the wound where Perm Cath was, as there were pus in the area. He was put on high doses of antibiotics with little improvement as his temperature remained.
On thursday, Papa went for his routine Dialysis treatment while in hospital. 1 hour into his treatment, he was suddenly gasping for air despite having his oxygen tubing. He was sedated and intubated to aid his breathing, and immediately transferred to the ICU.
We visited him today. He seems fine this afternoon. He had on a full face mask which was feeding him the oxygen. Though he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he was pretty much aware of the visitors that came to see him. When Mum asked him if he recognises her, he gasped weakly that she is "his darling ah pui". Mum was so tickled by this, and managed a smile despite her sadness.
In the evening, as we were spending our last couple of minutes with him before the visiting hours were over, his BP plunged. We were ushered out of the room, and the curtains to his room were drawn as the nurses and doctors attended to him.
Perhaps its my complacency, thinking Papa will be fine, and just like the last time, will be able to be discharged after a one night stay at the ICU, and will be fine after the dialysis. At the rate things are going, I am not very sure that it may happen. With the depressing doctor's report, and nurses' feedback, things are not looking too rosy at this point in time. He has erratic heartbeat, water in his lungs, and a stubborn infection in the blood, which doesn't seem to clear even with high doses of atibiotics that he is being put on.
My mind is kind of hazy right now. I am not too sure what to pray and hope for. Do I pray and hope that his suffering will end, he has afterall endure so much pain from his dialysis treatment. Is he suffering or in pain as he sleeps? I would like to think that he is so heavily sedated that he is feeling no pain. Do I pray for a miracle that he will pull through? Am I being selfish if I prayed that he will be able to walk out from the ICU just like the last time, and than back to his previous routine of thrice weekly treatment, and back to all those pain of having hugh needles going thru' his skin, and seeing him gasping for air when water gets retained in his lungs? I am not sure...I am so afraid to lose him...
He still has to have Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner with us. I am still hoping and praying.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Closure
The day of reckoning finally came. Did my CT and bone scans on the 02 Jan, and today is result day. As usual, i am nervous as hell. Thankfully, my condition remains the same, no new lesions. The previous lesions in the spine and pelvis have shown some improvement, yeah!
Got my jabs done today as well. My tiny veins haven't been in the "best condition". I had to be pricked 6 times by 3 different nurses, before they got lucky on the 7th attempt. I couldn't keep my composure, and started tearing at their 4th attempt. I felt bad for the nurses just as they felt bad not being able to set the drip. I hope this will not be a monthly affair :(
Anyway, got back from the hospital, and decided that I should do some packing. There's this stack of maternity clothes which i had when I was pregnant with Nic, sitting nicely folded on the top shelf of the wardrobe for the past 7 years. I could be quite a hoarder. I kept the nice pieces of clothing with the hope that I could use them again when Nic turns 2. It didn't happen, cos' I had to deal with the cancer problem before Nic even turn 2.
The stack of clothes remained in the wardrobe, as i looked forward to the 5 year mark when I could get off Tamoxifen and carry on with my original plan of procreating. It didn't happen, cos' the relapse happened. And now that I am in a medically induced menopausal state, the idea is now totally out of the window.
The clothes are packed and ready to be given away / disposed. I would like to give them away to a charity that helps unwed mothers if possible. Let me know if you know of any such charity.
In my wardrobe, there are some cute tiny size 10 and size 12 clothes which used to fit me when I was still slim. Perhaps someday, i will face up to the fact that I will never be like that anymore. Yes, I am still in denial!
Got my jabs done today as well. My tiny veins haven't been in the "best condition". I had to be pricked 6 times by 3 different nurses, before they got lucky on the 7th attempt. I couldn't keep my composure, and started tearing at their 4th attempt. I felt bad for the nurses just as they felt bad not being able to set the drip. I hope this will not be a monthly affair :(
Anyway, got back from the hospital, and decided that I should do some packing. There's this stack of maternity clothes which i had when I was pregnant with Nic, sitting nicely folded on the top shelf of the wardrobe for the past 7 years. I could be quite a hoarder. I kept the nice pieces of clothing with the hope that I could use them again when Nic turns 2. It didn't happen, cos' I had to deal with the cancer problem before Nic even turn 2.
The stack of clothes remained in the wardrobe, as i looked forward to the 5 year mark when I could get off Tamoxifen and carry on with my original plan of procreating. It didn't happen, cos' the relapse happened. And now that I am in a medically induced menopausal state, the idea is now totally out of the window.
The clothes are packed and ready to be given away / disposed. I would like to give them away to a charity that helps unwed mothers if possible. Let me know if you know of any such charity.
In my wardrobe, there are some cute tiny size 10 and size 12 clothes which used to fit me when I was still slim. Perhaps someday, i will face up to the fact that I will never be like that anymore. Yes, I am still in denial!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A Brand New Year
I am always so optimistic what a New Year brings - new hopes, new dreams, new plans. I am just thanksful for what the New Year brings. It is also Mike's birthday. Yes, the whole world ushers in the new year with him, and celebrates with him. It also means that dining everywhere on the eve and actual day of his birthday is extra expensive. This happens every year, and we foresee that this practice will never change for years and years down the road.
Anyway, we celebrated the new year lazing about at home, followed by a buffet dinner at Kuishin Bo. It was a good spread with Sashimi, tempura, cooked food, and decent dessert spread.
An overall pleasant day
Anyway, we celebrated the new year lazing about at home, followed by a buffet dinner at Kuishin Bo. It was a good spread with Sashimi, tempura, cooked food, and decent dessert spread.
An overall pleasant day
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