What a Scare!

Ok, this happened on Monday nite. Thinking back, it scared the hell out of everyone, especially Mike.

It was almost 10 plus at nite, and I was helping Nic with her school work. Mike was nursing a can of cold beer in the living room watching TV. Moments later, he came into the room, grabbing his chest, and looking totally out of his elements. He was in cold sweat, and kept saying that he was feeling bloated, wanted to puke, but can't puke, breathless, and his chest hurts really badly. The pain must have been really intense, cos' when Mum suggested calling an ambulance, he didn't object. This is so unlike Mike.

Anyway, lots of drama. Nic started crying, as Mike continued to grimace in pain, and kept asking when the ambulance will arrive. Mum kept pacing around the house, praying. I was just in "shock" mode. It was a complete role reversal for me. Mike had always been the One in charge. He has always been one who knows what to do, and he was always the one who had been taking care of us. He is our Pillar...

The paramedics arrived shortly, checked his blood pressure, his heartbeat, gave him some medication to sedate him, and promptly brought him to the hospital. The ride on the ambulance, my first, was a really emotional one. I didn't know what was wrong with him, and if everything is going to be ok. With my dad's passing not too long ago, I am not ready to face another emotional upheaval, not now, please. I was in tears...and praying, Please God, not another piece of bad news!

And so, Mike was admitted to the hospital. They conducted the ECG on him, and ruled out a heart atack. That was a major major relief! An Endoscopy was also conducted, and the Docs found an ulcer in his stomach. The ulcer, we guessed must be from the regular drinking sessions he has with his friends after work. Not that I wanted to go "I told you so", but I had been telling him not to drink on an empty stomach. With the temptation of cheap booze at his workplace, he often drops by his mass for a few glasses, before coming home for dinner.

Anyway, Mike spent 36 hours in the hospital. It was a wake up call for all of us - for him to take care of his body, for Nic to appreciate his Daddy, and for me to be thankful for having him as my Pillar of Strength, him more, and appreciate him a little more. Its a good turn of events, but i shudder to think of the possible outcomes. *gulp*

Alls well now :)

I wish...I wish..

As I read with great sadness the turn of events in Fleur's life, I shudder to think that this is the road that I will tread to my eventual end. This year has been quite a ride. While I relish in the joy of stable results for my condition, I am somehow emotionally affected by the number of deaths in my virtual community of cancer survivors.

Yes, my virtual friends, fellow survivors are dying or who have since passed on. With great disappointment and despair, none seem to have survived beyong 10 years of their metstasis diagnosis, from my observations. Is this how my life is going to turn out? Its been 2 years since my metstasis diagnosis. How much more time do I have? I know I do not have the luxury of time on my side, but I wish I know...

As I reflect on the long and arduous journey that I have travelled so far, I am thankful for the years that i have been blessed with - being my "new normal". Foggy brain, squeaky joints, achy breaky back, compromised sexuality, an expanding waistline, and more recently, signs of degeneration in the bones of my feet - the results of chemo treatments, radiaition and years of drug use define my "new normal". Yes, this is my life now...

Do I wish for life before? Yes, I do. But I harbour a desire for greater things, a better tomorrow...if only there are many many tomorrows coming my way...

With that thought in mind, I am planning for my next vacation...

It would have been your 66th Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Papa! You would have been 66 years old today. Sadly, you will not be around to have our regular seafood dinner at East Coast, and blow out the candles on your favourite durian cake from Angie the choice.

Its been almost 5 months since you left without a word. I can't imagine how time flew by so quickly. We are moving on with our new routines, coping with our new life without you. Its strange, isn't it, how life continues to move on...

Nicole had started piano lesson while you were still in the hospital. You would have been so proud of her if you could hear what she could play on the piano right now. I guess the musical genes had skipped a whole generation with me not even making it through Grade 1. Nicole had been so inspired to learn those songs you used to sing or play on the harmonica and flute. She works hard practicing the tunes that the teacher taught her, and has made quite a bit of progress, despite starting out a little later than most of her peers. I may be biased, but I think she plays the piano so beautifully.

Mummy is staying with us right now, though she had been pretty busy packing up your place for us to eventually move in. Progress is slow, but i guess she enjoys spending the afternoons at home with you. She talks to you (your picture, rather) often. Can you hear her?

I talk to you too, in my heart, like how you taught me to talk to Jesus. Can you hear me too? I think of you often, you know...and I am still missing you so much.

I would like to think that you are now our Guardian Angel, looking out for us. I felt that way, when Mike couldn't accompany me for my scans recently. I am always nervous when it comes to going for these examinations, but I felt calm throughout. My scans turned out stable. Thank God!

Papa, I hope you are happy wherever you are. You will always be close to my heart wherever you are. Happy birthday to you!

Loving you lots

xoxoxoxo

Your daughter