Freaked

Went for scans yesterday. Exhausting day started at 930 am at the Cancer Centre being the first stop. The one-prick wonder nurse (my fav) took 2 vials of blood from me. i got her to set the plug as well, so that i do not need to be pricked again by some inexperienced nurses.

i am just so thankful for the nurses at the Cancer Centre, who has such amazing skills, especially when it comes to looking for almost non-existent veins. i didn't think much of nursing as a career of choice, but having gone through what i am going through, i have certain level of respect for them. To be a nurse in the cancer centre, I applaud them for their compassion, patience, and strength of character to be able to treat a patient, who may not be able to make it through for the next round of treatment. I do wonder what sort of emotions go through their mind when they hear that a patient they have been treating for x number of years has passed on. And here i digress again

Anyway, next stop was Nuclear Medicine, where i was to have my bone scans done. They injected me with some substance, and while waiting for the dye to take effect, i had my mammogram done. Something i hate doing. Doing the mammogram often put me to tears. Not only was it really painful, but often than not, it often brought back so much painful memories. i had to do the mammogram twice. Not sure why, but the nurses claim that they want to have clearer scans. Sigh...thats what they told me when i was first diagnosed. ?Didn't the final results come back positive. I was just so overwhelmed with emotions when they told me that i need to do it the second time round.

Bone scans seems to take an extra long time to complete as well. i have been having some aches and pains which i am attributing to the new drugs i am taking. One of the side effects listed was bone pain. i' often feel extreme sadness when i need to do these scans. I shed quiet tears when i was lying on these large forboding machines which is gonna determine my fate. During these moments, I often wondered why i need to go through what i am going through

The CT scan was sort of uneventful, in a way, thankfully. It was a quickie compared to the previous two tests. However, what greeted me at the waiting area was a bald little girl sleeping on a trolley bed, waiting to be scanned, her anxious parents waiting by her side. She is not much older than Nic. I remebered in 2003, when I was waiting for the results of my scans, before my actual diagnosis, Nic, not even 2 years of age, was admitted to the hospital as she had a burning fever that just wouldn't go away for a whole week. She was admitted for observation, for suspected Kawasaki disease, which could be deadly. I remembered being by her bedside, very afraid, and praying: Lord, let it be me. i can take the suffering better than her. I am just so grateful the fever went away, Nic recovered, and was discharged shortly after.

So here i am waiting anxiously for the phone call, which i prayed will not come. Its pretty irritating how they tell you that if you are ok, they will not call you, and that they will only call you if they need to examine you further. Anyway, I have an appointment with my oncologist next monday. Note to self: Need to ask her about doing a CEA

Scans

Due for my check up again tomorrow. Has it been 3 months yet? Time just flew by so quickly

• Gonna subject myself to be pricked so that they could extract blood from my veins just so that they can be sure that my kidneys and liver are functioning well.
• Gonna have radioactive liquid that looks like mercury pumped into my veins for the bone scans.
• Gonna drown myself with some yellow yucky drink just so that they can see my insides
• Gonna have my breast squashed by some huge merciless machine, just to be extra sure that the cancer hasn't found ite way there

Gonna be a long tiring day. Send me good vibes, please

Warm Fuzzy Feeling

While having dinner yesterday, Nic asked how I am feeling. I have been nursing a cough the past few days. I told her i am feeling a better, why? She replied that she knows why. She had told her Sunday School teacher about it, and they have prayed for me to get better. God hear the prayers of little children :)

Malacca / Kuala Lumpur Escapade

We are just back from our short vacation to Malaysia. It was a short trip, but a nice refreshing one. We decided to make a road trip to Malaysia, after failing to get our hands on air tickets to Hong Kong, which is sort of a blessing in disguise. Imagine our surprise when we came back from our trip, and we hear news about the flu like virus doing its round in Hong Kong *gulp*

We departed on the 09 March. We decided to beat the crowd, and start our journey really early at 7.00 am. We breezed through Customs and Immigration, and started on a 2 hour drive to Malacca. The journey was uneventful, almost a straight road. We reached Malacca at around 11 am. Its been almost 20 years since I last visited the town. The little town is quaint, and has retained many of its old world charm. There were many small shops selling antiques, like records, peranankan tiles, iron.

Anyway, we made our first stop, we stop by Formosa Restaurant, a coffee shop like eatery for chicken rice. Check out the Rice balls! Look like fishballs. We had a lot more food, but was too hungry to take any more shots.

Anyway, we check into our hotel at Equatorial right after lunch. Nice clean hotel, that fit our needs. We didn't do much there, other than shopping at the large megamalls there.

We also check out this newly opened spa outlet near the hotel " Scent and Senses". Fantastic prices!!! The kids enjoyed the swimming pool, and the adults, we had our fun too.

Ramblings

Guess I have to maintain this blog on a more regular basis.

It was my wedding anniversary yesterday. I just can't imagine that the years has just flew by us so very quickly. But than again those 8 years has been filled with so much joy, and so much sorrow as well. Those years are precious to me, and I prayed really hard that I will have many more years of wedded bliss to enjoy. Through these years, i have learned to live with another individual with a totally different kind of family background, upbringing and lifestyle needs. He is a child of the 60s, and me of the 70s. Not too sure how we ended up together but I guess fate and destiny played their part.

I remembered my wedding vows said a good 8 years ago, but only really felt the significance during the last 5 years.

" To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part"

We made a "deal" with each other when we first got married. We promised each other 40 years together. Sometimes, i just feel so sad that I am shortchanging him now that I am stricken with this damn sickness.

There is just no certainty. Even if i am gonna die from this disease, i wish it would just hit me, and not linger. Than again, I am always praying that I will have a couple more years, just so I can be there for Nic. I am full of contradictions...I read somewhere that cancer allows you the chance to say your goodbyes. Well, hopefully it continues to linger on and on till i am 50 something. i guess thats when i will be ready to say goodbye.