Freaked

Went for scans yesterday. Exhausting day started at 930 am at the Cancer Centre being the first stop. The one-prick wonder nurse (my fav) took 2 vials of blood from me. i got her to set the plug as well, so that i do not need to be pricked again by some inexperienced nurses.

i am just so thankful for the nurses at the Cancer Centre, who has such amazing skills, especially when it comes to looking for almost non-existent veins. i didn't think much of nursing as a career of choice, but having gone through what i am going through, i have certain level of respect for them. To be a nurse in the cancer centre, I applaud them for their compassion, patience, and strength of character to be able to treat a patient, who may not be able to make it through for the next round of treatment. I do wonder what sort of emotions go through their mind when they hear that a patient they have been treating for x number of years has passed on. And here i digress again

Anyway, next stop was Nuclear Medicine, where i was to have my bone scans done. They injected me with some substance, and while waiting for the dye to take effect, i had my mammogram done. Something i hate doing. Doing the mammogram often put me to tears. Not only was it really painful, but often than not, it often brought back so much painful memories. i had to do the mammogram twice. Not sure why, but the nurses claim that they want to have clearer scans. Sigh...thats what they told me when i was first diagnosed. ?Didn't the final results come back positive. I was just so overwhelmed with emotions when they told me that i need to do it the second time round.

Bone scans seems to take an extra long time to complete as well. i have been having some aches and pains which i am attributing to the new drugs i am taking. One of the side effects listed was bone pain. i' often feel extreme sadness when i need to do these scans. I shed quiet tears when i was lying on these large forboding machines which is gonna determine my fate. During these moments, I often wondered why i need to go through what i am going through

The CT scan was sort of uneventful, in a way, thankfully. It was a quickie compared to the previous two tests. However, what greeted me at the waiting area was a bald little girl sleeping on a trolley bed, waiting to be scanned, her anxious parents waiting by her side. She is not much older than Nic. I remebered in 2003, when I was waiting for the results of my scans, before my actual diagnosis, Nic, not even 2 years of age, was admitted to the hospital as she had a burning fever that just wouldn't go away for a whole week. She was admitted for observation, for suspected Kawasaki disease, which could be deadly. I remembered being by her bedside, very afraid, and praying: Lord, let it be me. i can take the suffering better than her. I am just so grateful the fever went away, Nic recovered, and was discharged shortly after.

So here i am waiting anxiously for the phone call, which i prayed will not come. Its pretty irritating how they tell you that if you are ok, they will not call you, and that they will only call you if they need to examine you further. Anyway, I have an appointment with my oncologist next monday. Note to self: Need to ask her about doing a CEA