Denial

Maybe I am in denial, but it is very difficult for me to accept that Papa is critically ill in the ICU. It is heart wrenching to see him all hooked up to the machines, with wires monitoring his vital stats, and tubes feeding him oxygen.


Papa had his Perm Cath removed on 12 January 2009. It was really a non-event. Mum accompanied him there, had it removed, and the happy couple then proceeded to have nasi padang at the hospital canteen. The next day, Mum found Papa having the chills, shivering and with a temperature of 39.3 degrees. An ambulance was summoned to send him to the hospital.


At the hospital, he was put up at the General ward. Though he was having some breathing difficulties, he seems relatively fine, except for the temperature that just wouldn't go down. The doctors believed that his infection probably came from the wound where Perm Cath was, as there were pus in the area. He was put on high doses of antibiotics with little improvement as his temperature remained.

On thursday, Papa went for his routine Dialysis treatment while in hospital. 1 hour into his treatment, he was suddenly gasping for air despite having his oxygen tubing. He was sedated and intubated to aid his breathing, and immediately transferred to the ICU.

We visited him today. He seems fine this afternoon. He had on a full face mask which was feeding him the oxygen. Though he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he was pretty much aware of the visitors that came to see him. When Mum asked him if he recognises her, he gasped weakly that she is "his darling ah pui". Mum was so tickled by this, and managed a smile despite her sadness.

In the evening, as we were spending our last couple of minutes with him before the visiting hours were over, his BP plunged. We were ushered out of the room, and the curtains to his room were drawn as the nurses and doctors attended to him.

Perhaps its my complacency, thinking Papa will be fine, and just like the last time, will be able to be discharged after a one night stay at the ICU, and will be fine after the dialysis. At the rate things are going, I am not very sure that it may happen. With the depressing doctor's report, and nurses' feedback, things are not looking too rosy at this point in time. He has erratic heartbeat, water in his lungs, and a stubborn infection in the blood, which doesn't seem to clear even with high doses of atibiotics that he is being put on.

My mind is kind of hazy right now. I am not too sure what to pray and hope for. Do I pray and hope that his suffering will end, he has afterall endure so much pain from his dialysis treatment. Is he suffering or in pain as he sleeps? I would like to think that he is so heavily sedated that he is feeling no pain. Do I pray for a miracle that he will pull through? Am I being selfish if I prayed that he will be able to walk out from the ICU just like the last time, and than back to his previous routine of thrice weekly treatment, and back to all those pain of having hugh needles going thru' his skin, and seeing him gasping for air when water gets retained in his lungs? I am not sure...I am so afraid to lose him...

He still has to have Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner with us. I am still hoping and praying.