The dreaded call came from my Mum on Saturday's afternoon while Mike and I were shopping at Art Friend in Bras Basah Complex while waiting for Nic to finish her class at NAFA. Mum said that the Hospital called and said that Papa's condition had suddenly taken a turn for the worse and he was being re-admitted to the ICU again.
A part of me was anxious, but a part of me felt that it probably may not be that bad. Papa had afterall gotten discharged from ICU 3 times. He was also doing fine the night before, and had even asked Mum to bring his guitar to the hospital so that he could entertain himself a little. As we cruised on the highway, I remembered Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven playing on the radio. I also remembered feeling a sense of uneasiness as we approached the hospital.
When we arrived, the doctors told us that Papa's condition was critical. He had apparently passed out a lot of blood when the nurses were changing his diapers in the morning. He was immediately sent to the ICU, and a scope subsequently revealed that Papa had numerous ulcers in his stomach, and some were bleeding. Everything happened so quickly. The doctors told us that his blood pressure was falling despite maximum dosage of drugs being given to him. His breathing was erratic, and he had to be intubated. He was also given a blood transfusion. Despite all these measure, I guess Papa's body was simply too tired to put up a fight. His body just gave up. The next time the docs saw us, she told us to gather the relatives, while the nurses clean him up.
As Papa laid sedated, Mum and I talked to him. Papa seemed aware of our presence, and we were pretty sure he could hear us as his brows furrowed as we talked. Papa shed a tear when Mum told him that she love him dearly. When Nic called out "gong gong", I could see Papa's lip twitched a little, like a smile. She has brought him so much joy and laughter. When Mike held Papa's hand, we could see Papa's stats slowly coming to a stop. Its as if Papa felt the assurance that Mike will be taking care of the family with his departure. Papa passed away peacefully at 6.39pm, with his dear ones by his side. i saw my Papa took his last breathe. He will be dearly missed by all of us
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My hand in his
Its the wee hours of the morning right now, and i am exhausted from the long day at Papa's wake, but I thought I should take the time out now to pen down my memories of Papa's final days leading to his death on the 28 March 2009. I am so forgetfult these days, that I am so afraid that I may lose these precious memories
i have not been blogging much. I thought I should not jinx the improvements in Papa's condition in his final weeks. Papa's condition had improved following his discharge from the Isolation Ward after his recovery from shingles. Despite his really poor appetite, he was able to breathe on his own, his bp was stable, and more importantly, there was some small progress in his mobility. He was able to turn to the side when the nurses were changing or cleaning him. He was able to sit upright for a slightly longer time, and there were even occasions, where the nurses prep him up on the armchair for short duration of time. He was no longer talking about elephants and istanas, and seemed to be a pretty lucid state of mind. The doctors were even discussing with us regarding our future plans, and rehabilitation at a community hospital. These were small improvements, but we grew hopeful that perhaps we may be able to bring him home someday soon.
The last time I spent time with Papa was on Tuesday. As usual i brought him his favourite dessert, Gingko nut with barley, despite knowing very well that he will probably take 2 or 3 spoonful of it. I bought some chocolates for him as well, hoping that a little calorie and sugar will do him some good. Papa thought that Cadbury makes better chocolates. And as we bantered over which was a better brand of chocolates, he firmly held my hand for a moment. It was the same large hand with the firm grip that held mine as a child, the same hands that gave me so much reassurance as a little girl. It was an intimate moment, a feeling that will remain etched in my mind.
It had been an easy and comfortable afternoon chatting with Papa, something I wished I could savour it all over again. We chatted about many things, and he imparted many valuable advice on parenting and disciplining the child and forming life time friendships.
I just wish I could just turn back time, and relive those moments again, to enjoy my Papa's easy company, to feel his hands in mine, to hug him and to tell him that i love him so very much. Its painful, but we are only comforted that he is no longer in pain. Rest well, Papa
i have not been blogging much. I thought I should not jinx the improvements in Papa's condition in his final weeks. Papa's condition had improved following his discharge from the Isolation Ward after his recovery from shingles. Despite his really poor appetite, he was able to breathe on his own, his bp was stable, and more importantly, there was some small progress in his mobility. He was able to turn to the side when the nurses were changing or cleaning him. He was able to sit upright for a slightly longer time, and there were even occasions, where the nurses prep him up on the armchair for short duration of time. He was no longer talking about elephants and istanas, and seemed to be a pretty lucid state of mind. The doctors were even discussing with us regarding our future plans, and rehabilitation at a community hospital. These were small improvements, but we grew hopeful that perhaps we may be able to bring him home someday soon.
The last time I spent time with Papa was on Tuesday. As usual i brought him his favourite dessert, Gingko nut with barley, despite knowing very well that he will probably take 2 or 3 spoonful of it. I bought some chocolates for him as well, hoping that a little calorie and sugar will do him some good. Papa thought that Cadbury makes better chocolates. And as we bantered over which was a better brand of chocolates, he firmly held my hand for a moment. It was the same large hand with the firm grip that held mine as a child, the same hands that gave me so much reassurance as a little girl. It was an intimate moment, a feeling that will remain etched in my mind.
It had been an easy and comfortable afternoon chatting with Papa, something I wished I could savour it all over again. We chatted about many things, and he imparted many valuable advice on parenting and disciplining the child and forming life time friendships.
I just wish I could just turn back time, and relive those moments again, to enjoy my Papa's easy company, to feel his hands in mine, to hug him and to tell him that i love him so very much. Its painful, but we are only comforted that he is no longer in pain. Rest well, Papa
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Farewell Papa
My dear Papa passed away peacefully on the 28 March 2009 at 6 pm.
We are dealing with the loss.
More details later...
We are dealing with the loss.
More details later...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Settling In
After struggling with Papa's condition for the past 2 over months, we seem to be sort of settling into a sort of normalcy. A trip to the hospital during some part of week has become sort of a norm...we even manage to schedule shopping trips and a decent meal at a nice restaurant in between visits to the hospital. It has been an extremely stressful period for my mum and I, one that I wish that I will not need to go through again.
We have accepted the fact that Papa will never recover from his condition, and that he may eventually die from one of these complications. What we can hope and pray for is that his condition will remain stable, and he is comfortable and not in any pain. He is presently still in Isolation, having just recovered from a bout of Shingles. His speech is slurred though he is alert most of the time.
There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where Papa isn't in the best of moods. He is cranky and grouchy, he refuses to eat or talk, and when he does, he harps about us not bringing him home . But there are good days too...where he relishes in the joy of his imaginary world of elephants, istanas and luxurious apartments by the Harbourfront.
Whatver it is, its in god's hands now...
We have accepted the fact that Papa will never recover from his condition, and that he may eventually die from one of these complications. What we can hope and pray for is that his condition will remain stable, and he is comfortable and not in any pain. He is presently still in Isolation, having just recovered from a bout of Shingles. His speech is slurred though he is alert most of the time.
There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where Papa isn't in the best of moods. He is cranky and grouchy, he refuses to eat or talk, and when he does, he harps about us not bringing him home . But there are good days too...where he relishes in the joy of his imaginary world of elephants, istanas and luxurious apartments by the Harbourfront.
Whatver it is, its in god's hands now...
Friday, March 13, 2009
2 months
Its been almost 2 months since Papa has been admitted. Its amazing how fast the days melt into weeks, and the weeks into months. Since I last blogged, Papa stayed in the ICU for 4 days, and than got "well enought" to be transferred back to the General Ward. After a 3 days stay, he is now in the Isolation Ward. In some ways, I hope he gets to stay in the Isolation Ward, away from hustle and bustle of the General Ward. He gets his private room, TV and air-con. The down-side is that visitors need to don the mask to see him in the room.
Anyway, his conidtion is sort of stable, except that his appetite remains poor, his voice has been reduced to a whisper, and his gangrenous toes have spread to almost a quarter of his foot. The docs called my mum yesterday, proposing amputation. This totally pissed me off! The issue of his blackening toes have been brought up time and time again at family conferences and meetings with the docs a couple of times since the 09 Feb 09. Could the docs have operated on him when his condition was better then? Why now?
Anyway, Mum and I have discussed, and we may not be putting him up for surgery. We feel that it will be really painful for Papa to "lose a limb". We are not sure if the docs have spoken to him about i yet, but I will be seeking his opinion today when I see him.
So the odds are against him now. One of these health issues will get him somehow.
Anyway, his conidtion is sort of stable, except that his appetite remains poor, his voice has been reduced to a whisper, and his gangrenous toes have spread to almost a quarter of his foot. The docs called my mum yesterday, proposing amputation. This totally pissed me off! The issue of his blackening toes have been brought up time and time again at family conferences and meetings with the docs a couple of times since the 09 Feb 09. Could the docs have operated on him when his condition was better then? Why now?
Anyway, Mum and I have discussed, and we may not be putting him up for surgery. We feel that it will be really painful for Papa to "lose a limb". We are not sure if the docs have spoken to him about i yet, but I will be seeking his opinion today when I see him.
So the odds are against him now. One of these health issues will get him somehow.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Conversations with Papa
The past week while Papa is in the General Ward has been kind of a bittersweet experience. He was able to breathe on his own, eat and chat with us. How ironic it is that having conversations with him now is such a pleasureable experience. Though he is not making much sense, I actually enjoyed listening to his voice, and hearing him talk. He is funny at times, candid in his views, and can be pretty expressive. I guess I have not appreciate these conversations with him previously when he is lucid and well.
He is delirious most of the time now. Our conversation topics have ranged from his 8 pet elephants to his job being the Sultan of Johor's chief assisant. Though funny initially, it is now becoming more and more worrying. The latest MRI report indicated that that his brain now has multiple septic emboli which is causing his delirium. The docs explained that there is nothing they can do to treat this condition other than continuing with the anti-biotics. There may eventually come a time, where a large enough blood clot will come along and lodge itself in his brain, and thats when he will suffer a stroke.
Papa is immobile right now. His two thin legs are no longer able to hold his weight. His 2 gangrenous toes has now spread to 4 toes, and does not look like it is going to stop its rampage on the rest of his foot. I asked Papa if he is in pain, and he remarked that his foot is burning. Docs are giving him painkillers to ease the pain. Other than that, there is nothing else that the Docs will do.
Yesterday, while we were settling down to a good night rest, the call from the hospital came. The nurse needed us to go back to the hospital asap, as Papa has come down with breathing difficulties. Papa was sent to the ICU yet again. The docs suspected that he has come down with another infection. I really do wonder when this vicious cycle will end.
Sigh...feeling heartbroken
He is delirious most of the time now. Our conversation topics have ranged from his 8 pet elephants to his job being the Sultan of Johor's chief assisant. Though funny initially, it is now becoming more and more worrying. The latest MRI report indicated that that his brain now has multiple septic emboli which is causing his delirium. The docs explained that there is nothing they can do to treat this condition other than continuing with the anti-biotics. There may eventually come a time, where a large enough blood clot will come along and lodge itself in his brain, and thats when he will suffer a stroke.
Papa is immobile right now. His two thin legs are no longer able to hold his weight. His 2 gangrenous toes has now spread to 4 toes, and does not look like it is going to stop its rampage on the rest of his foot. I asked Papa if he is in pain, and he remarked that his foot is burning. Docs are giving him painkillers to ease the pain. Other than that, there is nothing else that the Docs will do.
Yesterday, while we were settling down to a good night rest, the call from the hospital came. The nurse needed us to go back to the hospital asap, as Papa has come down with breathing difficulties. Papa was sent to the ICU yet again. The docs suspected that he has come down with another infection. I really do wonder when this vicious cycle will end.
Sigh...feeling heartbroken
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