RIP: Dr Randy Pausch 1960 - 2008

Sometime back, I blogged about Dr Randy Pausch, who gave an inspirational lecture on following your dreams, dealing with the ones that don't come true and having fun along the way. His lecture on Youtube was downloaded by 10 million people around the world. I am one of whom who had "sat through" his lecture, and was tickled by his sense of humour, and his insights. He passed away on the 25th July 2008 morning of complications from pancreatic cancer.

You may read more of his enduring legacy.

Rest in Peace. You are an inspiration

Losing vs Giving Up on a Good Fight

A chemo-buddy sms-ed me this morning to tell me that she has decided to give up her fight. She has decided to stop all treatment, and medication. Because she discovered her husband had been cheating on her all these while.

She, like me is a stage 4 breast cancer survivor with mets to the bones. We knew each other late last year, when we were introduced to each other by the nurses at the Cancer Centre. We hit it off immediately, perhaps because we are in the same boat, we have the same stats, on the same drugs, same predicament. We are young, and we have kid(s).

I am not sure why, but when she told me her decision, I was just filled with so so much sadness, and than rage. Why?! Is it right to give up all treatment just like that, and see your body slowly waste away, when many others are struggling to live for just one more day? Is it right to leave your kids much earlier than expected, when many others couldn't are struggling to live just one more day to witness another of their baby's milestone. It is different when you lose the fight. You have no choice when you lose the fight. But to give it up...Bad!

I am praying very hard, and hoping that she will change her mind. Clinche as it may sound, do it for the sake of the kids. Yes, ultimately, they will be without her. So why not do all you can while you can to live a little longer, to create more memories which they can keep in their hearts for the many years that they will live without having her around.

Sigh....

Eyes of the Beholder

Yes, its official, my little angel face has just become a statistic in the worsening problem of children afflicted with myopia in Singapore. We received a letter from the Health Promotion Board to bring her in for an eye test. We didn't think much of it, as she has not exhibit any problems with her vision.

Anyway, Mike is extremely upset about it, and erm...in denial now that her Precious is in need of spectacles. He kept asking Nic if she recognises all the letters in the alphabet. I guess we would probably be a wee bit comforted if her poor eyesight was a result if reading too much books. Unfortunately, its likely due to watching too much TV and computer games.

Well, at this point in time, other than saving for her college funds, we would probably have to start saving up for Lasik treatment before she evolves into Ugly Betty

Day of Reckoning II

Its amazing how a 15 minute conversation with my oncologist can relieved all the stress for the entire week. My Oncologist is the sweetest lady. She knew I was early for my appointment, and called me in before it was really my turn. Guess she knew i was anxious to find out....


The results: everything stable, no new spots on the bones ..phew!! Yup, not even the "spot" on the foot that the radiogragher saw. And suddenly the pain on my foot disappeared as well. hehehe


Mike and me celebrated by catching a movie. We caught The Dark Knight. It was a good show. I enjoyed the late Heath Ledgers portrayal as the Joker. He is bad to the core, and so sinister. And I thought christian bale is so cute. sigh.........

Back to some normalcy...at least till the next scan

Day of Reckoning

Seeing the Doc in a couple of hours time. Mike is coming along with me, though i thought it may not be really necessary. Afterwhich, will be getting my monthly dose of Zometa.

My spirits are rather low at this point in time. I have this feeling that there may be a new spot at the heel of my left foot. Strange that i didn't notice it until the Radiographer pointed out the spot during the scan last week. My back is also feeling rather achy. Hopefully, its because of the medication wearing off after a month, and not so much because of new spots. Think my spine is beginning to look like this....

On another note, there is a very kind soul out there who has been sms-ing me on a rather regular basis, like once or twice a week. He / She has been sending me encouraging passages from the bible, greetings to have nice day, etc. for the past year or so, without any imdication of who he / she is. I have kept some messages, deleted some. I have replied some of the messages, but fallen short of calling that number. I have yet to find out who this person is. Whoever you are, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart...Perhaps someday, I will know who you are...

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

For some unknown reason, this video puts a silly smile on my face, and my spirits are lifted watching this silly guy dancing from country to country. I could watch it over and over again. Check out his webby at www.wherethehellismatt.com for a greater insight on this funny fellow.

BTW, singapore is being featured as well. Its into 3 minute plus of the video.

Hope it brings you just as much joy

Ingenious Ways to Save time and Needle Prinks

Got myself scanned. The day went about in an uneventful manner. As usual, Mike accompanied me, and waited together with me while i waited for my turn at each station.

My first stop at 0930 hrs was the Cancer Centre for Blood Test to check on the Kidney and Liver function. Learned from prior experience, that if you ask, the nurse can help you set the plug as well. So that saves you 2 (or even more if you have tiny veins like mine) needle prinks for the Bone scan and CT. And from countless horrific experience in hospitals, the nurses at the Cancer Centre are the Best-est obscure vein finders (the doctors are the worst cos' they out of practice) **Pats myself on back** So proud of myself to think about that.

Second Stop at 1015hrs: Bone Scan. Got myself jabbed with the radioactive isotope. Proceed to have brunch, cos' have to start fasting soon after for CT scan. After brunch, proceed to the radio imaging centre, to collect the horrific contrast drink, which i need to down, so that they are able to see my insides.

So i save some more time, downing the contrast, while waiting for my turn for the bone scan, while reading pretty current magazines.

Finally, they called for me to go in for the bone scan at 1.00 pm. Took extra long time to finish the scan. Hmmmm... they took "close ups" for my torso area, and even my feet. Radiographer said that they see spots there. Dunno what to say...and think

Anyway, last stop was for CT scan. Nothing eventful... probably cos' am totally zapped of my energy by then.

Went home, and slept early. Sleep provides relief... both from worry and the hustle and bustle of the day's event. Results Out next Monday

Gonna Have my Insides checked...

Yup, the much awaited scan day is just a couple of hours away.

Gonna have my liver and kidney function check
Gonna have Bone scan done
Gonna have CT scan for the abdominal area
Gonna be pricked and poked, and injected with radioactive stuff.

Feeling pretty calm about it.

Other than that, nothing much to blog about...

Five Year Mark...Yay?

As of sometime in mid-July, it will be the 5th year of my cancer diagnosis. I had my surgery on the 04 August 2003. Its probably around this time that I was disgnosed with the cancer. I remembered I was running around like a headless chicken making arrangement for the surgery, making arrangement for nic to be taken care of while i was away in the hospital, handling the paperwork with HR. All these while trying to grasp with the painful reality of the news.

Anyway, doesn't this revelation puts me statistically in the optimistic group of women who are still alive five years later? I always kind of thought the statistic referred to women who were alive five years later without having recurred, but now I'm not so sure that's what they mean.

Perhaps, even in my current state, it IS still considered a victory? Yay....

Despite the aches and pains on my spine and pelvis, I am happy to still be here sucking air, even though I had been hoping for more...

Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch: The Last Lecture

This is such an inspiration lecture by Dr Randy Pausch who is diagnosed with end staged Pancreatic Cancer, and has been given 6 mths to live. He is a lecturer by profession, and gave the "The Last Lecture" to rave reviews. Here is a snippet which was shown on Oprah show. He is really candid, and funny, and there are just so many truths in it. Hope you enjoy it

Reformed

I have always loved shopping, and i enjoy buying anything that catches my eye, be it home furnishings, clothings, bags and shoes. Lately, I seemed to have reformed. I don't seem to be very interested in buying anything. I used to have so many wants. I actually have a checklist of stuff that I want to have. Looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I am not too sure which stage I am in right now.

I don't fit into most clothes, so I am not interested in looking most of the time. Being a stay at home mum, theres not much of a need to really dress up. and as such, I am usually in my tanks, jeans and capris most of the time.

Bags - I used to be unable to get enough of them, but since I got my LV Neverfull, I seem to have lost the passion to chase after the next IT bag. Shoes - another big issue. I love shoes. I love heels, and used to be able to walk many miles in my 3 inch heels. Not anymore. And i am not particularly thrilled to wear flatties. sigh...I guess I lost the sense of empowerment those additional 3 inches gave me. I have been wearing my birkis and Clarks pumps for the longest time. I am looking for new footwear, but haven't been really proactive in looking for it.

And I haven't wore make up for the longest time. I really really do need to snap out of it.

Despite all these, I have been having this urge to buy this



Yes, a blankie. It simply look so soft and inviting, I just want to have one of these over my head. And I could stay inside there, and not have a care in the world

Hmmm.......does this reflect anything about my current state of mind? i need a security blanket

Tidying Up

Its like 3 am right now... Slept early yesterday, but somehow work up, and just couldn't get back to sleep again. while tossing and and turning in bed, many random thoughts just fill my head.

Somehow, I started thinking about things I need to prepare in the event that things takes a turn for the worse. Not sure why I am having these thoughs, but it could be the upcoming scans on the 14 july 08.

I have been a member of a forum board for young women survivor of cancer. Though I haven't been much of a contributor, though more of a lurker, the board has been my great source of information and inspiration. Its a US based site, and there are many women on the board who are just like me. Diagnosed at a young age, some as young as in the early twenties. Some are mommies to young children, but all of us have the same affliction. Some of these women has passed on. I had read their posts, some with their desperate pleas for more information, some with a resigned tone, some just completely stop posting on the board after some time, and we know why. Through these posts, I know that when the end is near, in most cases it just comes fast and furious. For some of them, they are gone in like 6 mths after IT hits the vital organ like the lungs and liver. And because of that, I am scared....

I am generally feeling well at this point in time, albeit the aches on my back. I have been procrastinating on tidying up some matters like putting my will in order, and some other affairs. I actually penned a love letter for Mike some time back, which was meant for him, after I passed on, but he found it, read it, and was crying his eyes out. Silly me, I forgot to save the letter up with a password. I haven't written another letter since.

I have read of some other women, who did voice recordings and videos, and wrote letters for their kids. I am thinking of the latter. I would probably write to Nic about things I would probably want to tell her at certain point in her life. But I can imagine her getting these letters and going...urhg...Not another one of those nagging from the grave...hahahaha... Oh dear i hope she doesn't think of it this way.

But I guess, most troubling for me will be my parents. I am an only child, no siblings, and if they are to outlive me, I am not sure how things will turn out. I love my parents dearly, and it must be pretty tough on them. I hope Mike will be able to look out for them if I am to leave this mortal world in an untimely fashion...sigh...

Some other things i would like to do while i am able:
I would like to travel. Places I would like to visit are many, but resources limited. Some of them are
1) Holland (to see beautiful tulips)
2) Germany
3) Spain
4) Greece
5) Switzerland (to see snow capped moutains)
6) New York (to visit Felicia & Jef)
7) Canada (I want to see the Niagara Falls)
8) US (for some outlet shopping, but I haven't much of a shopping person lately)
9) Perth (to visit Dawn and Louis in their new home)

I would like to look beautiful again.... i have been putting on so much weight. I am like a totally different person now. i have lost so much self esteem and confidence since... Anyway, I am trying to motivate myself to work harder at losing my excess baggage.

So far the list is just that. Will add them as we go along

Oh..And the drama between Xiaxue and Dawn Yang...total waste of blogspace an d time! Get a life, girls!

Banned from Disneyland

Thought this is really funny! What were they thinking!