Tidying Up

Its like 3 am right now... Slept early yesterday, but somehow work up, and just couldn't get back to sleep again. while tossing and and turning in bed, many random thoughts just fill my head.

Somehow, I started thinking about things I need to prepare in the event that things takes a turn for the worse. Not sure why I am having these thoughs, but it could be the upcoming scans on the 14 july 08.

I have been a member of a forum board for young women survivor of cancer. Though I haven't been much of a contributor, though more of a lurker, the board has been my great source of information and inspiration. Its a US based site, and there are many women on the board who are just like me. Diagnosed at a young age, some as young as in the early twenties. Some are mommies to young children, but all of us have the same affliction. Some of these women has passed on. I had read their posts, some with their desperate pleas for more information, some with a resigned tone, some just completely stop posting on the board after some time, and we know why. Through these posts, I know that when the end is near, in most cases it just comes fast and furious. For some of them, they are gone in like 6 mths after IT hits the vital organ like the lungs and liver. And because of that, I am scared....

I am generally feeling well at this point in time, albeit the aches on my back. I have been procrastinating on tidying up some matters like putting my will in order, and some other affairs. I actually penned a love letter for Mike some time back, which was meant for him, after I passed on, but he found it, read it, and was crying his eyes out. Silly me, I forgot to save the letter up with a password. I haven't written another letter since.

I have read of some other women, who did voice recordings and videos, and wrote letters for their kids. I am thinking of the latter. I would probably write to Nic about things I would probably want to tell her at certain point in her life. But I can imagine her getting these letters and going...urhg...Not another one of those nagging from the grave...hahahaha... Oh dear i hope she doesn't think of it this way.

But I guess, most troubling for me will be my parents. I am an only child, no siblings, and if they are to outlive me, I am not sure how things will turn out. I love my parents dearly, and it must be pretty tough on them. I hope Mike will be able to look out for them if I am to leave this mortal world in an untimely fashion...sigh...

Some other things i would like to do while i am able:
I would like to travel. Places I would like to visit are many, but resources limited. Some of them are
1) Holland (to see beautiful tulips)
2) Germany
3) Spain
4) Greece
5) Switzerland (to see snow capped moutains)
6) New York (to visit Felicia & Jef)
7) Canada (I want to see the Niagara Falls)
8) US (for some outlet shopping, but I haven't much of a shopping person lately)
9) Perth (to visit Dawn and Louis in their new home)

I would like to look beautiful again.... i have been putting on so much weight. I am like a totally different person now. i have lost so much self esteem and confidence since... Anyway, I am trying to motivate myself to work harder at losing my excess baggage.

So far the list is just that. Will add them as we go along

Oh..And the drama between Xiaxue and Dawn Yang...total waste of blogspace an d time! Get a life, girls!